The X-Rated Bible
An Irreverent Survey of Sex in The Scriptures

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By Ben Edward Akerley

Feral House

Copyright © 1998 Ben Edward Akerley and Feral House. All rights reserved.
ISBN: 0-922915-55-5

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Introduction........................................................XIPreface.............................................................XXPrologue.........................................................XXIIIPart One  Incest: Implied, Single, Double and Multiple    1. In the Beginning Was Incest...................................1    2. Amnon Rapes His Sister Tamar..................................3    3. Lot Knocks Up Both His Daughters..............................7    4. Absalom's Defiant Act of Multiple Incest.....................10Part Two  Sexual Pollution    5. Onan's Fatal Orgasm..........................................13    6. Wearing the Rag..............................................17    7. Doing the Nasty..............................................21    8. Wet Dreams and Wanking (Spanking the Monkey).................22    9. The Clap and Other STDs......................................24    10. Eve's Curse Fulfilled.......................................26Part Three  Homosexuality    11. Lot Thwarts a Gay Mob Assault in Sodom......................32    12. David's Questionable Love Affair with Jonathan..............36    13. The Love That Dares Not Speak Its Name......................39Part Four  Rape: Solo and Group    14. Reuben Rapes His Father's Mistress..........................45    15. Shechem, the Rapist, Loses His Foreskin and His Life........46    16. The All Night Gang Bang.....................................50Part Five  Adultery: Attempted, Real and Forgiven    17. Potiphar's Wife Hits on Teen Hunk Joseph....................56    18. King David Commits Both Adultery and Murder.................58    19. Cast the First Stone........................................64Part Six  Indecent Exposure, Group Sex and Exhibitionism    20. Noah Gets Drunk and Exposes Himself.........................68    2l. The Israelites Revel in a Pagan Orgy........................70    22. King David Flashes His-Royal Penis..........................74Part Seven  Nudity and Striptease    23. Prophesying in the Nude.....................................79    24. Salome Strips for King Herod................................80Part Eight  Prostitution (Secular and Sacred) and Phallic Worship    25. Judah Patronizes a Disguised Hooker.........................83    26. Rahab, the Favored Madam of Jericho.........................88    27. Jehovah Commands Hosea to Marry a Whore.....................93    28. Christ Converses with Two Women of Ill Repute...............95    29. Eli's Horny Sons...........................................100    30. Hung Like a Jackass........................................103Part Nine  Abortion, Pregnancy by Proxy, Sex Drugs and Husband-Swapping    31. Jehovah's Penalty for Inducing an Abortion.................113    32. Hagar, the Baby Maker......................................114    33. Jacob's Fertility Contest..................................118Part Ten  Circumcision of the Living and the Dead    34. Jehovah's Foreskin Covenant................................123    35. Moses and the Flying Foreskin..............................132    36. David Circumcises Two Hundred Philistine Corpses...........134Part Eleven  The Lowly Status of Women    37. Bizarre Tests for Adultery and for Virginity...............138    38. Jephthah Offers His Daughter to Jehovah as a Human    Sacrifice......................................................143    39. The Female Hand That Fondles Shall Be Cut Off..............145    40. Two Major Wife-Kidnapping Expeditions......................147    4l. Virgins as Spoils of War...................................150    42. Woman Was Made for Man.....................................154Part Twelve  Catology, Bestiality and Castration    43. Jehovah's Anal Fetish......................................161    44. Forbidden Intimacies with Animals..........................169    45. Self-Castration, the Supreme Sexual Sacrifice..............170Part Thirteen  Illegitimacy, Celibacy and Virgin Birth    46. Pity the Poor Bastard......................................175    47. An X-Rated King Solomon for Kids...........................176    48. Paul, the Compulsive Celibate..............................177    49. The Immaculate Deception...................................184Part Fourteen  Sexual Betrayal    50. A Honeymoon with the Wrong Bride...........................190    51. Abraham and Isaac, Two Double-Dealing Pimps................193    52. Foxy Delilah Double-Crosses Superstud Samson...............197    53. King Ahasuerus Ditches Queen Vashti for Esther.............203Part Fifteen  Sexual Potency and Rejuvenation    54. Gideon Sires Seventy-One Sons..............................207    55. Solomons Thousand and One Women............................207    56. King David's Revival with Female Body Friction.............208Part Sixteen  In Praise of Love    57. Ruth Propositions Boaz and Shacks Up Overnight in a    Barn...........................................................212    58. Solomon's Steamy Song of Love..............................215Part Seventeen  Devil Sex and Witchcraft    59. Cohabitation with Devils...................................220    60. Witches, Wizards and Familiar Spirits......................221Epilogue...........................................................223Afterword..........................................................224Biblical References................................................226Index..............................................................230