keys, how they rattle !-rattle in one's up the crust,-just to try if it were pigeon pockets-the keys and the half-pence (takes or partridge,-for no other reason in the out a bunch and plays with them). I wonder Landlord. That is my fear, Sir. thumps and kicks I have had for peering into parcels, and turning of letters inside out, just for curiosity! The blankets 1 have been made to dance in for searching parish registers for old ladies' ages,—just for curiosity! Once I was dragged through a horse-pond, only for peeping into a closet that had glass doors to it, while my Lady Bluegarters was undressing, just for Mr. H. What else could move you to open curiosity! that box? Landlord. Sir, don't kill me, and I will confess the whole truth. This box happened to be lying—that is, I happened to be carrying this box, and I happened to have my keys out, and so—little rusty happened to fit Mr. H. So little rusty happened to fit !— and would not a rope fit that rogue's neck? I see the papers have not been moved: all is safe, but it was as well to frighten him a little (aside). Come, Landlord, as I think you honest, and suspect you only intended to gratify a little foolish curiosity Landlord. That was all, Sir, upon my veracity. Mr. H. For this time I will pass it over. Your name is Pry, I think? Mr. H. A very harmless piece of curiosity, truly; and now, Mr. Pry, first have the goodness to leave that box with me, and then do me the favour to carry your curiosity so far, as to inquire if my servants are within. Landlord. I shall, Sir. Here, David, Jonathan,—I think I hear them coming,shall make bold to leave you, Sir. [Erit Mr. H. Another tolerable specimen of the comforts of going anonymous! Enter Two Footmen. 1st Footman. You speak first. Landlord. Yes, Sir, Jeremiah Pry, at your The rascals want their wages raised, I service. Mr. H. An apt name: you have a prying temper-I mean, some little curiosity-a sort of inquisitiveness about you. suppose; there is always a favour to be asked when they come smiling. Well, poor rogues, service is but a hard bargain at the best. I think I must not be close with them. Well, David-well, Jonathan. 1st Footman. We have served your honour faithfully 2d Footman. Hope your honour won't take offence Landlord. A natural thirst after knowledge you may call it, Sir. When a boy, I was never easy but when I was thrusting up the lids of some of my school-fellows' boxes, not to steal anything, upon my honour, Sir,-only to see what was in them; have had pens stuck in my eyes for peeping through key-holes after knowledge; could never see a cold pie with the legs dangling out at top, but my fingers were for lifting just be pleased to Mr. H. The old story, I suppose-wages? 1st Footman. That's not it, your honour. 2d Footman. You speak. 1st Footman. But if your honour would 2d Footman. Only be pleased to▬▬▬ Mr. H. Be quick with what you have to say, for I am in haste. 1st Footman. Just to 2d Footman. Let us know who it is 1st Footman. Who it is we have the honour to serve. Mr. H. Why me, me, me; you serve me. 2d Footman. Yes, Sir; but we do not know who you are. Mr. H Childish curiosity! do not you serve a rich master, a gay master, an indulgent master? 1st Footman. Ah, Sir! the figure you make is to us, your poor servants, the principal mortification. 2d Footman. When we get over a pot at the public-house, or in a gentleman's kitchen, or elsewhere, as poor servants must have their pleasures - when the question goes round, who is your master? and who do you serve? and one says, I serve Lord So-and-so, and another, I am Squire Such-a-one's footman 1st Footman. We have nothing to say for it, but that we serve Mr. H. 2d Footman. Or Squire H. Mr. H. Really you are a couple of pretty modest, reasonable personages! but I hope you will take it as no offence, gentlemen, if, upon a dispassionate review of all that you have said, I think fit not to tell you any more of my name, than I have chosen for especial purposes to communicate to the rest of the world. or says 4th Lady. Yet gifted with a strong understanding— 5th Lady. But has your ladyship the remotest idea of what his true name is ? 1st Lady. They say, his very servants do not know it. His French valet, that has lived with him these two years 2d Lady. There, Madam, I must beg leave to set you right: my coachman 1st Lady. I have it from the very best authority: my footman 2d Lady. Then, Madam, you have set your servants on 1st Lady. No, Madam, I would scorn any such little mean ways of coming at a secret. For my part, I don't think any secret of that consequence. 2d Lady. That's just like me; I make a rule of troubling my head with nobody's business but my own. Melesinda. But then, 'she takes care to make everybody's business her own, and so 1st Footman. Why, then, Sir, you may suit to justify herself that way——— (Aside.) yourself. 1st Lady. My dear Melesinda, you look 2d Footman. We tell you plainly, we thoughtful. cannot stay. 1st Footman. We don't choose to serve Mr. H. 2d Footman. Nor any Mr. or Squire in the alphabet 1st Footman. That lives in Chris-cross Row. Mr. H. Go, for a couple of ungrateful, inquisitive, senseless rascals ! Go hang, starve, or drown!-Rogues, to speak thus irreverently of the alphabet-I shall live to see you glad to serve old Q-to curl the wig of great S-adjust the dot of little i-stand behind the chair of X, Y, Z-wear the livery of Etcætera- and ride behind the sulky of And-by-itself-and! [Exit in a rage. Melesinda. Nothing. 2d Lady. Give it a name. Melesinda. Perhaps it is nameless. 1st Lady. As the object-Come, never blush, nor deny it, child. Bless me, what great ugly thing is that, that dangles at your bosom? Melesinda. This it is a cross: how do you like it? 2d Lady. A cross! Well, to me it looks for all the world like a great staring H. (Here a general laugh.) Melesinda. Malicious creatures! Believe me it is a cross, and nothing but a cross. 1st Lady. A cross, I believe, you would willingly hang at. Melesinda. Intolerable spite ! 1st Lady. O, Mr. H., we are so glad2d Lady. We have been so dull Mr. H. But you shall hear. I was to dine (MR. H. is announced.) the other day at a great Nabob's that must be nameless, who, between ourselves, is Enter MR. H. strongly suspected of-being very rich, that's all. John, my valet, who knows my foible, cautioned me, while he was dressing me, as he usually does where he thinks there's a danger of my committing a lapsus, to take care in my conversation how I made any allusion direct or indirect to presents-you understand me? I set out double charged with my fellow's consideration and my own; and, to do myself justice, behaved with toler 3d Lady. So perfectly lifeless-You owe it to us, to be more than commonly entertaining. Mr. H. Ladies, this is so obliging 4th Lady. O, Mr. H., those ranunculas you said were dying, pretty things, they have got up 5th Lady. I have worked that sprig you able circumspection for the first half-hour or commended-I want you to come Mr. H. Ladies———— 6th Lady. I have sent for that piece of music from London. Mr. H. The Mozart-(seeing MELESINDA) -Melesinda! so-till at last a gentleman in company, who was indulging a free vein of raillery at the expense of the ladies, stumbled upon that expression of the poet, which calls them "fair defects." 1st Lady. It is Pope, I believe, who says it. Mr. H. No, Madam; Milton. Where was I? Oh, "fair defects." This gave occasion to a critic in company, to deliver his opinion on Several Ladies at once. Nay, positively, Melesinda, you shan't engross him all to yourself. [While the Ladies are pressing about MR. H., the gentle the phrase-that led to an enumeration of men show signs of displeasure. all the various words which might have been 1st Gent. We shan't be able to edge in a used instead of "defect," as want, absence, word, now this coxcomb is come. 2d Gent. Damn him, I will affront him. 1st Gent. Sir, with your leave, I have a word to say to one of these ladies. 2d Gent. If we could be heard The Ladies pay no attention but to MR. H. Mr. H. You see, gentlemen, how the matter stands. (Hums an air.) I am not my own master positively I exist and breathe but to be agreeable to these Did you speak? 1st Gent. And affects absence of mindPuppy! poverty, deficiency, lack. This moment I, who had not been attending to the progress of the argument, (as the denouement will show) starting suddenly up out of one of my reveries, by some unfortunate connexion of ideas, which the last fatal word had excited, the devil put it into my head to turn round to the Nabob, who was sitting next me, and in a very marked manner (as it seemed to the company) to put the question to him, Pray, Sir, what may be the exact value of a lack of rupees? You may guess the confusion which followed. 1st Lady. What a distressing circumstance! 3d Lady. How embarrassing—— Mr. H. Who spoke of absence of mind; did you, Madam? How do you do, Lady Wearwell-how do? I did not see your ladyship before-what was I about to say-O-absence of mind. I am the most unhappy dog in that way, sometimes spurt out the strangest things the most mal-à-propos without Mr. H. A Baronet at the table, seeing my meaning to give the least offence, upon dilemma, jogged my elbow; and a goodmy honour-sheer absence of mind-things natured Duchess, who does everything with I would have given the world not to have said. | a grace peculiar to herself, trod on my toes 1st Gent. Do you hear the coxcomb? at that instant: this brought me to myself, and-covered with blushes, and pitied by all 1st Lady. Great wits, they say 2d Lady. Your fine geniuses are most the ladies-I withdrew. given 3d Lady. Men of bright parts are commonly too vivacious 1st Lady. How charmingly he tells a story. 2d Lady. But how distressing! Mr. H. Lord Squandercounsel, who is my particular friend, was pleased to rally me in his inimitable way upon it next day. I shall never forget a sensible thing he said on the occasion-speaking of absence of mind, my foible says he, my dear Hogs Several Ladies. Hogs-what-ha— Mr. H. My dear Hogsflesh-my name (here a universal scream)—O my cursed unfortunate tongue!-H. I mean-where was I? 1st Lady. Filthy-abominable! 2d Lady. Unutterable! 3d Lady. Hogs-foh! 4th Lady. Disgusting! 5th Lady. Vile! 2d Lady. Hogs-pah! Belvil. Poor Jack, I am really sorry for him. The account which you give me of his mortifying change of reception at the assembly, would be highly diverting, if it gave me less pain to hear it. With all his amusing absurdities, and amongst them not the least, a predominant desire to be thought well of by the fair sex, he has an abundant 1st Gent. Good time of day to you, Mr. share of good-nature, and is a man of Hogsflesh. 3d Lady. A smelling bottle-look to Miss Melesinda. Poor thing! it is no wonder. You had better keep off from her, Mr. Hogsflesh, and not be pressing about her in her circumstances. honour. Notwithstanding all that has hap 2d Gent. The compliments of the season to pened, Melesinda may do worse than take you, Mr. Hogsflesh. him yet. But did the women resent it so Mr. H. This is too much-flesh and blood deeply as you say? cannot endure it. 1st Gent. What flesh ?-hog's-flesh ? 2d Gent. How he sets up his bristles! Mr. H. Bristles ! Gent. O, intolerably-they fled him as fearfully when 'twas once blown, as a man would be avoided, who was suddenly discovered to have marks of the plague, and as 1st Gent. He looks as fierce as a hog in fast; when before they had been ready to devour the foolishest thing he could say. armour. -Madam ! Mr. H. A hog!(here he severally accosts the Ladies, who by turns repel him.) 1st Lady. Extremely obliged to you for your attentions; but don't want a partner. 2d Lady. Greatly flattered by your preference: but believe I shall remain single. 3d Lady. Shall always acknowledge your politeness; but have no thoughts of altering my condition. 4th Lady. Always be happy to respect you as a friend; but you must not look for anything further. 5th Lady. No doubt of your ability to make any woman happy; but have no thoughts of changing my name. 6th Lady. Must tell you, Sir, that if, by your insinuations, you think to prevail with me, you have got the wrong sow by the ear. Does he think any lady would go to pig with him? Belvil. Ha! ha! so frail is the tenure by which these women's favourites commonly hold their envied pre-eminence. Well, I must go find him out and comfort him. I suppose, I shall find him at the inn. Gent. Either there or at Melesinda'sAdieu ! [Exeunt Mr. H. (solus.) Was ever anything so mortifying? to be refused by old Mother Damnable !—with such parts and address,— and the little squeamish devils, to dislike me for a name, a sound.—Oh my cursed name! that it was something I could be revenged on! if it were alive, that I might tread upon it, or crush it, or pummel it, or kick it, or spit it out—for it sticks in my throat, and will choke me. My plaguy ancestors! if they had left me but a Van, or a Mac, or an Irish O', it had been something to qualify it.-Mynheer Van Landlord. Your Honour has had some Hogsflesh, or Sawney Mac Hogsflesh,-or mortification, to be sure, as a man may say; Sir Phelim O'Hogsflesh,-but downright you have brought your pigs to a fine market. blunt If it had been any other Mr. H. Pigs! name in the world, I could have borne it. If it had been the name of a beast, as Bull, Fox, Kid, Lamb, Wolf, Lion; or of a bird, as Sparrow, Hawk, Buzzard, Daw, Finch, Nightingale; or of a fish, as Sprat, Herring, phrase; but I suppose he don't mean to Salmon; or the name of a thing, as Ginger, | affront me. | Landlord. What then? take old Pry's advice, and never mind it. Don't scorch your crackling for 'em, Sir. Mr. H. Scorch my crackling! a queer ear. Mr. H. As you say, Landlord, thinking of Landlord. Does but hogment it, indeed, Sir. Mr. H. Hogment it! damn it, I said augment it. Landlord. Lord, Sir, 'tis not everybody has such gift of fine phrases as your Honour, that can lard his discourse Mr. H. Lard! Landlord. Suppose they do smoke you— Hay, Wood; or of a colour, as Black, Grey, Landlord. What is done can't be undone; White, Green; or of a sound, as Bray; you can't make a silken purse out of a sow's or the name of a month, as March, May; or of a place, as Barnet, Baldock, Hitchen; or the name of a coin, as Farthing, a thing does but augment it. Penny, Twopenny; or of a profession, as Butcher, Baker, Carpenter, Piper, Fisher, Fletcher, Fowler, Glover; or a Jew's name, as Solomons, Isaacs, Jacobs; or a personal name, as Foot, Leg, Crookshanks, Heaviside, Sidebottom, Longbottom, Ramsbottom, Winterbottom; or a long name, as Blanchenhagen, or Blanchenhausen; or a short name, as Crib, Crisp, Crips, Tag, Trot, Tub, Phips, Padge, Papps, or Prig, or Wig, or Pip, or Trip; Trip had been something, but Ho—. (Walks about in great agitation -recovering his calmness a little, sits down.) Farewell the most distant thoughts of marriage; the finger-circling ring, the purityfiguring glove, the envy-pining bridemaids, the wishing parson, and the simpering clerk. Farewell the ambiguous blush-raising joke, the titter-provoking pun, the morningstirring drum.-No son of mine shall exist, to bear my ill-fated name. No nurse come chuckling, to tell me it is a boy. No midwife, leering at me from under the lids of professional gravity. I dreamed of caudle.(Sings in a melancholy tone.) Lullaby, Lullaby, hush-a-by-baby-how like its papa it is!-(Makes motions as if he was nursing.) And then, when grown up, "Is this your son, Sir?" "Yes, Sir, a poor copy of me, a sad young dog, just what his father was at his age, I have four more at home." Oh! oh! oh! Enter LANDLord. Landlord. One of my phrases; never mind ray words, Sir, my meaning is good. We all mean the same thing, only you express yourself one way, and I another, that's all. The meaning's the same; it is all pork. Mr. H. That's another of your phrases, I presume. [Bell rings, and the Landlord called for. Landlord. Anon, anon. Mr. H. Oh, I wish I were anonymous. [Exeunt several ways. SCENE.-Melesinda's Apartment. MELESINDA and Maid. Maid. Lord, Madam! before I'd take on as you do about a foolish—what signifies a name? Hogs-Hogs—what is it—is just as good as any other, for what I see. Melesinda. Ignorant creature! yet she is perhaps blest in the absence of those ideas, which, while they add a zest to the few pleasures which fall to the lot of superior natures to enjoy, doubly edge the Maid. Superior natures! a fig! If he's hog by name, he's not hog by nature, that Mr. H. Landlord, I must pack up to- don't follow his name don't make him night; you will see all my things got ready. anything, does it? He don't grunt the more Landlord. Hope your Honour does not for it, nor squeak, that ever I hear; he intend to quit the Blue Boar,-sorry any-likes his victuals out of a plate, as other thing has happened. Christians do; you never see him go to the trough Mr. H. He has heard it all. |