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Sancho. Well, poor fellow! upon second thoughts, all the money is too much to give her so gather up your little legs as hard as you can, and force the purse from her--make haste.
L. Man. l'll do what I can, but I fear 'twill be a hard matter.
[Erit. Sancho. I begin to perceive that this island is very full of enormities.
[Noise without Sancho. How now? What's the matter?
Re-enter WOMAN and Little Man. Ioman. O, your honour! this impudent fellow, contrary to your honour's judgment, has followed me, and wou'd have taken the purse away from me by force, and sent the constable to bring me again before your worship.
Sancho. And has he got the purse?
Woman. No, I warrant your worship ; you ordered me to keep it, and I would have pulled his eyes out ere I'd part with it.
Sancho. Give it me; let me see if there's none missing -there, fellow, take your purse again; and bid the beadle give Mrs. Honesty here a hundred stripes.
Woman. Oh mercy! your worship, what mean you ?
Sancho. If you had defended your honesty as well as you did the purse, you need not have made this complaint here-Away, I'll have no reply.
[Exeunt L. Man and Woman. SMUGGLER brought forward by Custom-HOUSE
OFFICER. Sancho. Well, friend, what have you to complain of ?
Officer. Why, my lord, you must know, I am an officer of the customs; and I am come to complain agaiost this fellow, my lord, for defrauding government.
Sancho. Defrauding government ! as how?
Officer. By the smuggling of chocolate and bad spirits, please your lordship.
Sancho. A rogue! what's this I hear! a smuggler! I'll shew him no favour; this fellow is a kind of a state
pickpocket. Sirrah! Sirrah! what have you to say for yourself before I pronounce sentence?
Smug. Will your lordship hear me?
Sancho. I don't know whether I will or not; but come, what have you to say?
Smug. Why, my lord, you must know that I am owner of a small coasting vessel, in which I carry goods to different parts of your lordships island for sale; now, as it happens that I am sometimes obliged to put to sea in very dark nights, for fear of losing the wind, I have more than once neglected paying the duty for the commodities I have shipped.
Sancho. And what do you call this but smuggling, you dog-Eh! what have you to say for yourself now?
Smug. Truly, very little, my lord ; but there are a few friends in this canvass bag, that will convince your lordship I had no dishonest intentions.
[Giving Sancho a bag of money. Sancho. Eh! Why, upon my word, there is some weight in this last argument.
Smug. I have kept a regular account of every shilling I was indebted to the revenue for these three years back, which, finding it amount to five hundred crowns, I put it in that bag, and I have now honestly paid your lordship, and discharged my conscience.
Officer. Don't believe a syllable he utters, my lord; for to my knowledge he has been a smuggler these twenty years.
Sancho. Then, what's the reason you never informed against him before?
S'mug. Because, my lord, I used to pay him all my arrears; and he informs against me now, only because I did not think the contents of that bag so safe in his hands as in your lordship's.
Sancha. I believe it-every word you speak carries conviction with it; I never met a man who used stronger arguments [handling the bag]: why should not a smuggler have credit as well as other tradesmen? And you, Mr. Custom-house Officer, take notice we dismiss you from our employ; and, Mr. Smuggler, you shall have his place ; there's nothing like the old proverb, Set a thief to catch a thief.
Exeunt Smuggler and Cust.-Officer. Taylor and GARDENER brought forward. Sancho. "What's your complaint now? Shortshort
Taylor. Why, and please your honor, my name is Snip; I am by trade a taylor, and a man that the parish knows to be a man-that is, not a man who, as a man may say, will willingly let any man, though it may chance with fair looks a man may be deceived, yet your honour knows who are a man
Sancho. Who am a man not like to get to the end of your story all day at this rate--brief-short!--quick!
Taylor. Why, your honour, in few words, must know my complaint is against this Radish, the gardener here, who has most wickedly and unneighbourly defrauded me of a tame cock pheasant, which I and my wife tenderly brought up; yet this ravenous cannibal Jaid violent hands on the poor bird-slayed it, took it home to his wife, roasted it, and, had I not come just in the nick and hindered them, they would have eaten it this day for dinner.
Sancho. Humph! what say you to this, Radish ?
Taylor. He can say nothing for to prove it, I have brought the pheasant here, poor fool, just as I snatch'd it out of the dish from them (puts the pheasant on the table]; so now your worship has proof before you.
Sancho. Even so; the case is plain--what can you say to this, Radish ? Is this your conscience, to come into a neighbour's house and steal away his goods and chat. tels ? for his pheasant, in this case, is a chattelmand a delicate one it is (touching it and licking his fingers]: beautiful! with a little good sauce to it, this were a dish fit for a governor. [Tears a leg off and begins to eat it.
Gard. But, hear me, my lord; this is the trick on't; I and Snip used often at each other's houses, jestingly, to take things; and t'other day, having a choice flask of Florence sent a present to my wife from her rich god. mother, I gave this Snip and his wife a taste.
Sancho. Friendly! go on. [Speaks with his mouth full.]
Gard. But not contented with that, he took the opportunity of my absence to make free with the rest-so I thought I had no better way of being even with him than by stealing his wife's pheasant.
Taylor. Why, how now, you old rusty pruning knife! you maggot in a peascod! you caterpillar! will you swear your thin-gut wine was Florence ?
Gard. That I will; and have here another flask just sent me by the same person.
Sancho. Nay, look you, Snip, take heed of lyingI don't sit here to see justice abused--if it be really Florence, look to it—[tastes it] it is, (again) sure I can't be mistaken.
Gard. Believe me, sir, it is real Florence.
Sancho. It is, indeed !-And are these things fitting for taylors and gardeners ?-fat pheasants and rich wines! -And, you knaves, both, since you have made a practice, by your own confessions, of stealing from one another, 'tis plain each of you keeps a house to encourage thievery, and-by-and by will steal from others; I therefore condemn them both to pay ten ducats a piece to the poor, and give security for their good behaviour.- Not a word, take 'em hence. [Exeunt Gardener, Taylor, &c.
Enter MANUEL and PEDRO. Ped. Oh! disgrace to authority! My Lord Governor feasting in a court of justice !
Sancho. Justice! yes, justice! Why not?-I must do myself justice if you won't. [With his mouth full.]
Ped. Instantly remove the remains of that pheasant.
Ped. A most sumptuous banquet, my lord, at this moment awaits you.
Sancho. Is it ready?
Sancho. Then take away the pheasant, and break up the court. This little whet before dinner has only given a keener edge to my appetite.
Cryer. Here's a sheep-stealer and a coiner yet, whose trials stand over for to-day,
Sucho. They must wait till another time.
Cryer. That's against all rule of court. Something must be done with them.
Sancho. Then pillor the coiner, and transport the sheep-stealer; for I hava't time to harg any body till to
SCENE III. An Apartment. Enter Teresa, and Mary, full dressed. Mary. Dear heart ! I am so fine I hardly know myself. [Surveyiug herself all round.] Do, mother, put your hand upon my heart, it springs like a bird in my breast with joy. Rare times! what a power of handsome men are here at court;—then, they are all so well dressed, and grin so pretty to shew their white teeth, and smell so sweet !
Teresa. You must now, Mary, leave off all your rompish tricks that you used to have in the country; you must not, if you see a mule tied to a hedge, bounce upon his back, and ride about the country like a mad thing.
Mury. Let me alone, mother, I have had my lesson; I know what's what, I warrant you.—A fine gentleman, they call the Master-of-the ceremonies, was with me above an hour, teaching the manners of the high ton'; he told me I did not know what to do with one feature in my face; but he has taught me to glance, and to ogle, and to simper; for I must never laugh as long as I live, for fear of spoiling the shape of my inouth.
Ter. The same gentleman has been with me, Mary, and has been teaching me all the fashionable games; now understand quarille, and homer, and cricket.
Mary. I see plain enough, mother, that dress is every thing; Fine feathers make fine birds.-And I can tell you, I should like to eet Dick the
iller now, that used to be in my way coming from church of a Sunday ; I'd soon