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Jer. Mr. Scandal is with him, sir; I'll knock at the door.
[Goes to the scene, which opens and discovers Valentine and Scandal.
Valentine upon a couch disorderly dressed.] Sir S. How now? what's here to do? Val. Ha! who's that?
[Starting Scand. For Heaven's sake, softly, sir, and gently : don't provoke him.
Val. Answer me, who's that? and that?
Sir S. Gads bobs, does he not know is he mischievous ? I'll speak gently.--Val, Val, dost thon not know me, boy ? not know thy own father, Val? I am thy own father; and this, honest Brief Buckram, the Jawyer.
Val. It may be so-I did not know youấthe world is full.-There are people that we do know, and people that we do not know; and yet the sun shines upon all alike.—There are fathers that have many children ; and there are children that have many fathers-'tis strange ! But I am Honesty, and come to give the world the lie.
Sir S. Body o’nie, I know not what to say to him.
-does he carry his conscience without-side ? Lawyer, what art thou? dost thou know me ? Buck. O Lord, what must I say?
-Yes, sir. Val. Thou liest ; for I am Honesty. 'Tis hard i cannot get a livelihood amongst you. I have been sworn out of Westminster-Hall the first day of every
term-Let me see—no matter how long-But I'll tell you one thing; it is a question that would puzzle an arithmetician, if I should ask him, whether the Bible saves more souls in Westminster Abbey, or damns more in Westminster Hall :-For my part, I am Honesty, and can't tell; I have very few acquaintance.
Sir S. Body o’ me, he talks sensibly in his madness -Has he no intervals?
Jer. Very short, sir.
Buck. Sir, I can do you no service while he's in this condition. Here's your paper, sir.—He may do me a mischief if I stay. -The conveyance is ready, sir, if he recover his senses.
[Exit. Sir S. Hold, hold, don't you go yet.
Scand. You'd better let him go, sir; and send for him if there be occasion: for I fancy his presence provokes him more.
Val. Is the lawyer gone? 'Tis well; then we may drink about without going together by the ears.Heigh ho! what o'clock is it! My father here! your blessing, sir.
Sir S. He recovers !— Bless thee, Val!-How dost thou do, boy?
Val. Thank you, sir, pretty well. I have been a little out of order. Won't you please to sit, sir?
Sir S. Ay, boy.--Come, thou shalt sit down by me. Val. Sir, 'tis my duty to wait.
Sir S. No, no: come, come, sit thee down, honest Val. How dost thou do? let me feel thy pulse--Oh, pretty well now, Val. Body o’me, I was sorry to see
thee indisposed : but I am glad thou art better, honest Val. Val. I thank
sir. Scand. Miracle! The monster grows loving.
[Aside. Sir Ș. Let me feel thy hand again, Val. It does not shake-I believe thou canst write, Val. Ha, boy? thou canst write thy name, Val?— Jeremy, step and overtake Mr. Buckram? bid him make haste back with the conveyance, --quick !
[Exit Jeremy. Scand. That ever I should suspect such a heathen any remorse.
Sir S. Dost thou know this paper, Val? I know thou’rt honest, and will perform articles.
[Shews him the paper, but holds it out of his reach. Val. Pray let me see it, sir; you hold it so far off, that I can't tell whether I know it or no.
Sir S. See it, boy? Ay, ay, why thou dost see it 'tis thy own hand, Vally. Why, let me see, I can read it as plain as can be: look you here-[Reads.] The condition of this obligation—Look you, as plain as can be, so it begins—And then at the bottom-As witness my hand, VALENTINE LEGEND, in great letters. Why, 'tis as plain as the nose on one's face. What, are my eyes better than thine? I believe I can read it farther off yet-let me see.
[Stretches his arm as far as he can. Val. Will you please to let me hold it, sir ? Sir S. Let thee hold it, say'st thou i-Ay, with all
my heart-What matter is it who holds it? What need any body hold it? I'll put it in my pocket, Val, and then nobody need hold it. [Puts the paper in his pocket ] There, Val: it's safe enough, boy.But thou shalt have it as soon as thou hast set thy hand to another paper, little Val.
Enter JEREMY and BUCKRAM. Vat. What, is my bad genius here again? Oh no, 'tis the lawyer with an itching palm ; and he's come to be scratched.--My nails are not long enough.Let me have a pair of red-hot tongs quickly, quickly; and you
shall see me act St. Dunstan, and lead the devil by the nose.
Buck. O Lord, let me be gone! I'll not venture myself with a madman.
[Runs out. Val. Ha, ha, ha! you need not run so fast. Honesty will not overtake you.-Ha, ha, ha! the rogue found me out to be in forma pauperis presently.
Sir S. Oons! what a vexation is here! I know not what to do or say, or which way to go.
Val. Who's that, that's out of his way? I am Honesty, and can set him right.-Harkee, friend, the strait road is the worst way you can go.--He that follows his nose always, will very often be led into a stink. Probatum est. But what are you for ? religion or politics? There's a couple of topics for you, 110 more like one another than oil and vinegar; and yet these two beaten together by a state cook, make sauce for the whole nation.
Sir S. What the devil had I to do, ever to beget sons? why did I ever marry ?
Val. Because thou wert a monster, old boy. The two greatest monsters in the world, are a man and a
What's thy opinion? Sir S. Why my opinion is, that these two monsters joined together make yet a greater; that's a man and his wife.
Val. Aha, old Truepenny! say'st thou so? Thou hast nicked it.—But it is wonderful strange, Jeremy.
Jer. What is it, sir ?
Val. That grey hairs should cover a green headand I make a fool of my father. What's here ? Erra Pater, or a bearded Sibyl? If Prophecy comes, Honesty must give place. [Exeunt Valentine and Jeremy.
Enter Foresight, Mrs. Foresight, and Mrs.
FRAIL. For. What says he? What did he prophesy i Ha, Sir Sampson! Bless us! how are we?
Sir S. Are we? A pox on your prognostications! Why, we are fools as we used to be. Oons, that you could not foresee that the moon would predominate, and my son be mad !-Where's your oppositions, your trines, and your quadrates ? -"What did your “ Cardan and your Ptolemy tell you? Your Messa“ halah and your Longomontanus, your harmony of “ chiromancy with astrology!” Ah! pox on't, that I who know the world, and men and manners, who an't believe a syllable in the sky and stars, and sun