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I wonder, I'm sure, why this fuss should be made;
And tho', to their shames,
Some ladies call names,
Times are not so bad,
If occasion I had,
character such I need starve on't.
I don't want to stay,
Colonel OLDBOY, Lady MARY, Mr. JessAMY.
Lady M. I will have a separate maintenance, I will, indeed. Only a new instance of your father's infidelity, my dear. Then with such low wretches, farmer's daughters, and servant wenches : but any thing with a cap on, 'tis all th same to him.
Mr. Jes. Upon my word, Sir, I am sorry to tell you, that those practices very ill suit the character which you ought to endeavor to support in the world.
Lady M. Is this a recompence for my love and regard ; I, who have been tender and faithful as a turtle dove ?
Mr. Jes. A man of your birth and distinction should, methinks, have views of a higher nature, than such low, such vulgar libertinism.
Lady M. Consider my birth and family too, Lady Mary Jessamy might have had the best matches in England.
Mr. Jes. Then, Sir, your grey hairs.
Lady M. I, that have brought you so many lovely, sweet babes.
Mr. Jes. Nay, Sir, it is a reflection on me.
Col. 'Sdeath and fire, you little effeminate puppy, do you know who you talk to ?-And you, Madam, do you know who I am!-Get up to your chamber, or zounds I'll make such a
Lady M. Ah! my dear, come away from him. 230
Colonel OLDBOY, Mr. JESSAMY, a Servant.
Col. Am I to be tutor'd and call'd to an account?
Serv. A letter, Sir.
Serv. The gentleman's servant, a’n't please your honour, that left this, just now, in the post-chaise—the gentleman my young lady went away with.
Col. Your young lady, sirrah-Your young lady went away with no gentleman, you dog-—What gentleman! What young lady, sirrah!
240 Mr. Jes. There is some mystery in this—With your leave, Sir, I'll open the letter: I believe it contains
Col. What are you going to do, you jackanapes? you shan't open a letter of mine,Dy—Diana-Somebody call my daughter to me there—“ To John Old“ boy, Esq.-Sir, I have loved your daughter a great “ while secretly--Consenting to our marriage
Mr. Jes. So, so.
Col. You villain -you dog, what is it you have brought me here?
251 Serv. Please your honour, if you'll have patience, I'll tell your honour--As I told your honour before the gentleman's servant that went off just now in the post-chaise, came to the gate, and left it after his master was gone. I saw my young lady go into the chaise with the gentleman.
Mr. Jes. A very fine joke indeed; pray, Colonel, do you generally write letters to yourself? why, this is your own hand.
260 Col. Call all the servants in the house, let horses be saddled directly-every one take a different road.
Serv. Why, your honour, Dick said it was by your own orders.
Col. My orders ! you rascal? I thought he was going to run away with another gentleman's daughter -DyDiana Oldboy.
Mr. Jes. Don't waste your lungs to no purpose, Sir, your daughter is half a dozen miles off by this time.
Col. Sirrah, you have been bribed to further the scheme of a pick-pocket here.
271 Mr. Jes. Besides, the matter is entirely of your own contriving, as well as the letter and spirit of this elegant epistle.
Col. You are a coxcomb, and I'll disinherit you; the letter is none of my writing, it was writ by the devil, and the devil contrived it. Diana, Margaret, my Lady Mary, William, John
278 Mr. Jes. I am very glad of this, prodigiously glad of it, upon my honour-he! he! he !-it will be a jest this hundred years. (bells ring violently on both sides.) What's the matter now? O! her Ladyship has heard of it, and is at her bell; and the Colonel answers her. A pretty duet; but a little too much upon the fortè methinks : it would be a diverting thing now, to stand unseen at the old gentleman's elbow.
Hist, soft; let's hear how matters go;
There too again; ay, you may ring ;
But hark, the uproar hither sounds;
Colonel OLDBOY re-enters, with one Boot, a Great-Coat on
his Arm, &c. followed by several Servants, Col. She's gone, by the Lord; fairly stole away, with that poaching, coney-catching rascal! However, I won't follow her; no, damme ? take my whip, and my cap, and my coat, and order the groom to unsaddle the horses; I won't follow her the length of a spur-leather. Come here, you Sir, and pull off my boot; (whistles ) she has made a fool of me once, she shan't do it a second time ; not but I'll be revenged too, for I'll never give her sixpence ; the disappointment will put the scoundrel out of temper, and he'll thrash her a dozen times a day; the thought pleases me, I hope he'll do it.
311 What do you stand gaping and staring at, you impudent dogs ? are you laughing at me? I'll teach you to be merry at my expence.