« PreviousContinue »
DUNDREARY EXPLAINS HIMSELF.
The Lord Dundreary (the • Veritable') and Mr. Sothern at breakfast, DUNDREARY.— Well, I'm vewy glad to hear it, Sothern, becauth, you thee, I weally began to fanthy you'd theen me thomewhere or other and " gone in" for a doothed ill-natured gwosth cawickachaw. It ithn't a morthel like me of courth—but thome of owah fellahs at the “Wag " are thuch atheth they can't thee it'th thimply a—a thort of thilly thatire on a thertain thort of thnobbith thwell, who apeth the Awistocwat—but who you catch the ideaw?'
LORD DUNDREARY AT BRIGHTON,
AND THE · WIDDLE' HE MADE THERE,
that widiculous cawickachaw of me NE of the many popular delu at the Haymarket, (which I told
sions wespecting the Bwitish Sothern the other day, at bweakfast, swell is the supposition that he leads was weally too bad)—there'th no one an independent life-goes to bed at the clubs, and evewything is when he likes-gets up when he b-beathly dull, so I thought I would likes—d-dwesses how he likes, and just run down on the S. Eastern dines when he pleases.
Wailway to be-ha ha! Bwighton'd The public are gwossly deceived up a bit—(come, th-that's not bad on this point. A weal swell is as for an impwomptu!). m-much under authowity as B-Bwighton was invented in the P-poor devil of a pwivate in the year 1784 by his Woyal Highness marines, a clerk in a Government George P-Pwince of Wales-the office, or a f-fourth form boy at author of the shoe-buckle, the standEton. Now I come under the up collar (a b-beathly inconvenient demon- demonima-(no — thtop and cut-throat thort of a machine), what is the word ?) dom-denom and a lot of other ecthploded things. d-denomination-that'th it-I come He built the Pavilion down there, under the d-denomination of a swell which looks like a lot of petrified —(in-in fact - & howwid swell — onions fwom Bwobdibnag clapped some of my friends call me, but down upon a guard-house. It was thaťth only their flattewy) and I sold to the Town for some fifty assure you, Mr. Editor, a f-fellah in thousand pounds in 1849-and if I that capacity is so much westwained may y-venture to wemark on the by rules of f-fashion-that he can twansaction, I think the T-Town scarcely call his eye-glath his own. wath “thold’ about the thame time. A swell, I take it, is a fellah who However, there'th a jolly sort of t-takes care that he swells, as well as garden attached to the building, in swells who swell as well as he which the b-band plays twice a (there's thuch lot of thwelling in week, and evewy one turns in there that thentence- ha ha-it's what about four o'clock, so I went tooyou might c-call a busting definition). (n-not two o'clock you know but What I mean is, that a f-fellah is f-four o'clock). I-I'm vewy fond obliged to do certain things at cer of m-martial music mythelf. I tain times of the year whether he like the dwums and the t-twomlikes 'em or no. For instance, in bones, and the ophicleides, and all the season I've got to go to a lot of those sort of inthtwuments-yethballs, and dwums, and tea-fights in ethpethelley the bwass ones—they're town that I don't care a bit about so vewy exthpiring, they are. Thtop and to show myself in the Park though, ith it eathpiring-or p-perwegularly evewy afternoon, and thpiring ?-n-neither of 'em sound latht month I had to victimize my quite right. Oh! I have it now thelf down in the countwy-shoot --it-it's Inthpiring—that'th what it ing-(a bwutal sort of amusement is: b-because the f-fellahs bweathe by the way)-well, about the end of into them. That weminds me of a October evewy one goes to Bwighton widdle I made down there (I-I've -n-no one knowth why—thatth the taken to widdles lately-and weally betht of it—and so I had to go too it'th a vewy harmleth thort of a way of that's the wortht of it-ha ha! getting thwough the morning-and
Not that it's such a b-bad place it amuthes two f-fellahs at onth, after all—I d-daresay if I hadn't had because if-if you asthk a fellah a widto go I should have gone all the dle, and he can't guess it-you can same, for what is a f-fellah to do have a jolly good laugh at him, and who ithn't much of a sportsman just - if he—if he doth guess it, he-I about this time? There'th n-nothing mean you-no-that is the widdleparticular going on in London except stop-I-I'm getting confuthed
where wath I? Oh, I know: if-if he other day to devise a plan by which doth guess it .... however-it ithn't I might continue my sea b-bath and vewy likely he would-s0 what's yet keep out the cold. I'll tell you the good of thupposing impwob what I did: I-I never said a word abilities?) Well-thith was the wid to any one on the matter, but I just dle I made — I thed to Sloper went over to Hannington's shop one (Sloper's a fwiend of mine-a vewy morning, and I took one of the good thort of fellah Sloper is-I young men there aside—and I thaid d-don't know exactly what his pwo to him 'Aw-1-8-want a few fession would be called, but hith yards of blanket.' uncle got him into a b-berth where Beg pardon--my Lud'-(conhe gets f-five hundwed a year—f-for found it they all know me here) doing nothing s-somewhere -I -beg pardon, of what did you say?" forget where-but I-I know he • Of blanket,' I wepeated. does it)- I thaid to Sloper-'Why is Beg pardon, my Lud-did you that f-fellah with the b-bassoon l-like mean blanketting for ironing out his own instwument?' and Sloper fine linning upon ?' said, “How-how the dooth should * Fine linen be be wushed,'—I I know?' (Ha ha!-I–I thought said—I mean blanket thuch as you he'd give it up!) So I thaid to
put on beds.' Sloper, 'Why, b-because they both * Beg pardon-certainly, my Lud get blown-in time.' You t-thee the - Mr. Selvage! best Witneys this joke of course, but I don't think
way if you please. Sloper did thomehow: all he thed So they bwought me some jolly - V-vewy mild, Dundreary, fluffy looking stuff
, and I asked for —and t-tho it was mild—thertainly six yards of it, when one of the men f-for October, but I d'dont thee why a (confound his impudence) began to f-fellah should go making wemarks gwin. 'Beg Ludship’s pardon,' said about the weather instead of laugh- he, ' but these are what we term ing at m-my widdle. In this pwo "Witney” blankets—and we couldn't menade that I was speaking of, you cut them—but we can do you a pair see such a lot of thtunning girls at thirty-nine and sivinpince.' evewy afternoon-dwessed twemen 'All wight,' I said. dous swells, and looking like—yes, • Well, not quite white,' said Mr. by Jove! l-like angels in cwinoline Selvage—' but as near as the wool there'th no other word for it. There can be bleached.' are two or thwee always will l-laugh, • What the dooth do you mean?' somehow, when I meet them—they I thaid; ' didn't I t-thay all wight?“ do now weally. I-I almost fancy 1-I'll take 'em-I mean you may they wegard me with intewest. I send them to Messrs. Melton and mutht athk Sloper if he can get mean Tweed (my tailors)—and look here intwoduction. Who knowth? pwaps -don't you give me any b-beathly I might make an impwession-I'll copper change out of the two pounds twy-I-I've got a little conver or I'll never come here again.' sathonal power
-and theveral new By this time you will have p-perwethcoats.
ceived what my object wath in b-buyI'm thtopping at the Bedford ing blankets. I wanted to have a you know-my bed-room window b-blanket b-bathing suit madeoverlookth the Parade and—and the coat, wethcoat, and t-t-twowsers to bwiny deep. Are you f-fond of wear in the water-W-wathn't that a thwimming? I am-vewy, that is thtunning notion ? ha! ha! Old in shallow water, where you can Melton couldn't make it out when I k-keep one toe at the bottom. Of gave him the order-I-ha! hahee! courth I-I don't go out of my depth. I told him it was for cwicket that I That's &—a sort of th-thing no fellah was having the suit made—and he should do-unless he f-falls over thaid he thought I should f-find it board, and then he shouldn't stay wather warm (of courth-the v-vcuy there longer than he's absolutely thing I wanted). obliged. It's getting wather chilly Well, the things were thent home in the water just now, so I twied the in a few days, and one morning-I
I chose wather a chilly morning on purpose—I p-packed up my suit in a little carpet bag and walked down to the beach. I jumped into the b-bathing machine, changed my d-dwess in a twinkling-and in another moment I was stwuggling with the waves.
Stwuggling indeed!you can't contheive the thtate I was in. In the first place, the water twickled up my thleeves, down thwough my pockets, in at my wethcoat, &c. &c., in the motht uncomfortable way—but that wathn't the wortht of it, for in about half a minute my b-blanket suit became tho satuwated with water that I could thcarcely move; and as for coldwith all that heavy wet thtuff about me-you may imagine all I suffered. The bathing man (who, I dare thay, thought I was d-dewanged) had to help me up the thteps of the machine, and I vowed I would never twy expewiments on mythelf againonly fanthy, if I'd been thwown in that dwess from the end of the Chain Pier, I should have gone to the bottom as sure as a gun-yes, and gunner-I mean surer. I thought the betht plan was to g-give up b-bathing for the pwesent, and pwaps, when the summer season weturns, and by the time I go into the water again, I shall have learnt to thwim better.*
Bwighton is filling fast now. You see dwoves of ladies evewy day on horseback, widing about in all diwections. By the way, I-I muthtn't forget to mention that since witing the above I m-met those two girls that always laugh when they thee me, at a tea-fight. One of 'em—the young one-told me, when I was intwoduced to her-in-in confidence, mind-that she had often heard of me and of my widdles. Tho you thee I'm getting quite a weputathun that way. The other m-morning, at Mutton's, she wath ch-chaffing me again, and begging me to tell her the latetht thing in widdles. Now, I hadn't heard any mythelf for thome time, tho I couldn't give her any vewy gweat novelty, but a fwiend of mine made one latht theason which I
* We do not quite see the grounds on which his lordship bases this hypothesis ; however, he can but try.—ED. L. S.
thought wather neat, tho I athlved her
WHEN ITH A JAR NOT A JAR? Thingularly enough, the moment she heard thith widdle she burtht out laughing behind her pockethandkerchief!
'Good gwacious! what'th the matter?' said I. Have you ever heard it befaw ?'
Never,' she said emphatically, ' in that form; do, please, tell me the answer.' So I told her
WHEN IT ITH A DOOR! Upon which she-she went off again in hystewics. I-I-I never did see such a girl for laughing. know it is a good widdle, but I didn't think it would have such an effect as that.
By the way, Sloper told me afterwards that he thought he had heard the widdle before somewhere—but it was put in a different way. He said the way he heard it was
WHEN ITH A DOOR NOT A DOOR ? and the answer
WHEN IT ITH AJAR! I-I've been thinking over the matter lately, and though, I dare thay, it-d-don't much matter which way the question is put, still-pwaps the last f-form is the betht. It-it seems to me to wead better. What do you think? Awaiting the f-favour of a weply,
I am, &c. &c.,
DUNDREARY. P.S.-Now I weckomember, I made thuch a jolly widdle the other day on the Ethplanade. I thaw a fellah with a big New-Newfoundland dog, and he inthpired me—the dog you know-not the fellah--he wath a lunatic. I'm keeping the widdle, but I don't mind telling you, Mr. Editor. WHY DOES A DOG WAGGLE HITH TAIL? Give it up? I think motht fellahs will give that up! You thee THE DOG WAGGLES HITH
TAIL BECAUTH THE DOG'S STWONGER
Ye-eth - that'th what I call a widdle. If I can only wemollect him I thall athtonish those two girls thome of these days.
He is fooling thee!
He is fooling thee!