short, whether by secret connivance, or encouragement from their master, or out of their own liquorish affection to gold, or both; it is certain they were no better than a sort of sturdy, swaggering beggars; and, where they could not prevail to get an alms, would make women miscarry, and children fall into fits, who to this very day usually call sprights and hobgoblins by the name of bull-beggars. They grew at last so very trublesome to the neighbourhood, that some gentlemen of the north-west *) got a parcel of right English bull-dogs, and baited them so terribly, than they felt it ever after. I must needs mention one more of lord Peter's projects, which was very extraordinary, and discovered him to be master of a high reach, and profound invention. ́ Whenever it happened, that any rogue of Newgate **) was condemned to be hanged, Peter would offer him a pardon for a certain sum of money, which when the poor caitiff had made all shifts to scrape up, and sent, his lordship would return a piece of paper in this form: " ,,To all mayors, sheriffs, jailors, constables, bailiffs, hang„men, etc. Whereas we are informed, that A. B. remains in ,,the hands of you, or some of you, under the sentence of death, we will and command you upon sight hereof to let the said prisoner depart to his own habitation, whether he stands condemned for murder, sodomy, rape, sacrilege, in,, cest, treason, blasphemy, etc. for which this shall be your ,, sufficient warrant: and if you fail hereof, G d d -mn "you and yours to all eternity. And so we bid you heartily farewell." " Your most humble Emperor PETER ***), The wretches, trusting to this, lost their lives and money too. I desire of those, whom the learned among posterity will appoint for commentators upon this elaborate treatise, that *) Der König von England und andere Fürsten, die zur Zeit der Reformation zuerst das päbstliche Joch abschüttelten. **) Newgate, Name des Hauptgefängnisses der Grafschaft Middlesex, in der Old-baily, einem Stadtviertel von London belegen. ***) Dies ist die Kopie einer Generalabsolution, unterzeichnet servus servorum. they will proceed with great caution upon certain dark points, wherein all, who are not vere adepti *), may be in danger to form rash and hasty conclusions, especially in some mysterious paragraphs, where certain arcana are joined for brevity's sake, which in the operation must be divided. And I am certain, that future sons of art will return large thanks to my memory for so grateful, so useful an innuendo. It will be no difficult part to persuade the reader, that so many worthy discoveries met with great success in the world; though I may justly assure him, that I have related much the smallest number; my design having been only to single out such as will be of most benefit for public imitation, or which best served to give some idea of the reach and wit of the inventor, And therefore it needs not be wondered, if by this time lord Peter was become exceeding rich: but, alas! he had kept his brain so long and so violently upon the rack, that at last it shook itself, and began to turn round for a little case, In short, what with pride, projects and knavery, poor Peter was grown distracted, and conceived the strangest imaginations in the world. In the height of his fits, as it is usual with those who run mad out of pride, he would call himself God Almighty **), and sometimes monarch of the universe. I have seen him (says my author) take three old highcrowned hats, and clap them all on his head, three story high ***), with a huge bunch of keys at his girdle, and an angling-rod†) in his hand. In which guise, whoever went to take him by the hand in the way of salutation, Peter with much grace, like a well educated spaniel, would present them with his foot; and if they refused his civility, then he would raise it as high as their chaps, and give them a damned kick on the mouth, which hath ever since been called a salute, Whoever walked by without paying him their compliments, having a wonderful strong breath, he would blow their hats off into the dirt. Mean time his affairs at home went upside down, and his two brothers had a wretched time; where his first boutade was to kick both their wives one morning out of *) Wirklich Eingeweihte. **) Est Deus in terra; Est ut Deus in terra; Vicarius Christi etc. sind die Definitionen der Kanonisten vom Pabst. ***) Die dreifache päbstliche Krone, + Den Bischofstab. 0 doors, and his own too; and in their stead, gave orders to pick up the first three strollers could be met with in the streets *). A while after he nailed up the cellar door, and would not allow his brothers a drop of drink to their victuals **). Dining one day at an alderman's in the city, Peter observed him expatiating, after the manner of his brethren, in the praises of his sirloin ***) of beef. Beef said ,the sage magistrate, is the king of meat; beef comprehends ,,in it the quintessence of partridge, and quail, and venison, ,and pheasant, and plum-pudding, and custard." When Peter came home, he would needs take the fancy of cooking up this doctrine into use, and apply the precept, in default of a sirloin, to his brown loaf. „, Bread, says he, dear brothers, ,,is the staff of life; in which bread is contained, inclusive, the quintessence of beef, mutton, veal, venison, partridge, plum-pudding, and custard; and to render all complete: ,,there is intermingled a due quantity of water, whose cru,,dities are also corrected by yeast or barm, through which means it becomes a wholesome fermented liquor, diffused ,,through the mass of the bread." Upon the strength of these conclusions, next day at dinner, was the brown loaf served up in all the formality of a city - feast. Come brothers, „said Peter, fall to, and spare not; here is excellent good ,,mutton†); or hold, now my hand is in, I will help you." At which word, in much ceremony, with fork and knife he carves out two good slices of a loaf, and presents each on a plate to his brothers. The elder of the two, not suddenly entering into lord Peter's conceit, began with very civil language to examine the mistery.,,My Lord, said he, I doubt, „with great submission, there may be some mistake. — What, , says Peter, you are pleasant; come then, let us hear this „jest your head is so big with. None in the world, my *) Das Cölibat. **) Verbot des Kelchs. ***) loin, ist ei gentlich das Stück des Rinderbratens zu beiden Seiten des Rük kens, worin die Nieren sitzen. Ein Englischer König, der dieses Stück schr liebtc, schwenkte einmal, wie Lichtenberg (in der Erklärung der Hogarthschen Kupferstiche, Sammlung 7. S. 71) erzählt, in einem Anfall von gesundem Appetit und muthwilliger Laune sein Schwert über solchen Braten, und schlug ihn förmlich zum Ritter, und seit der Zeit heifst er nicht mehr Loin of beef, sondern Sir loin of beef. †) Der Transsubstantiation ganäss verwandelt Peter das Brod in Fleisch. 99 99 Lord; but, unless I am very much deceived, your Lordship was pleased a while ago to let fall a word about mutton, and I would be glad to see it with all my heart. How, , said Peter, appearing in great surprize, I do not comprehend ,,this at all." Upon which, the younger interposing to set business aright; „,my Lord, said he, my brother I suppose is ,,hungry, and longs for the mutton your Lordship hath promised us to dinner. Pray, said Peter, take me along with; ,, either you are both mad, or disposed to be merrier than I of; if approve there do not like your piece, I will carve you ,, you another; though I should take that to be the choice ,,bit of the whole shoulder. What then, my Lord, re,,plied the first, it seems this is a shoulder of mutton all this while. Pray, sir, says Peter, eat your victuals, and leave ,, off your impertinence, if you please, for I am not disposed ,, to relish it at present;" but the other could not forbear, being over-provoked at the affected seriousness of Peter's countenance:,, by G, my Lord, said he, I can only say, that to my eyes, and fingers, and teeth, and nose, it seems to be nothing but a crust of bread." Upon which the se cond put in his word: „I never saw a piece of mutton in ,, my life so nearly resembling a slice from a twelve - penny », loaf. Look ye, gentlemen, cries Peter in a rage, to convince you, what a couple of blind, positive, ignorant, wilful „puppies you are, I will use but this plain argument; by ,,G, it is true, good, natural mutton as any in Leaden,, hall *) market: and G confound you both eternally, if ,,you offer to believe otherwise." Such a thundering proof as this left no further room for objection; the two unbelievers began to gather and pocket up their mistakes as hastily as they could. Why, truly, said the first, upon more mature consideration. Ay, says the other interrupting him, now ,,I'have thought better on the thing, your Lordship seems to ;; have a great deal of reason. Very well, said Peter; here, ,,boy, fill me a beer-glass of claret; here's to you **),both with ,,all my heart." The two brethren, much delighted to see him so readily appeased, returned their most humble thanks, and said, they would be glad to pledge his Lordship. That - *) Ein berühmter Fleischmarkt mitten in London. **) heWorte mit welchen eine Gesundheit beim Trin ken vorgebracht wird. re's to you „you shall, said Peter; I am not a person to refuse you any ,,thing that is reasonable; wine, moderately taken, is a cordial; hère is a glass a-piece for you; it is true natural juice ,, from the grape, none of your damned vintners brewings." Having spoken thus, he presented to each of them another large dry crust, bidding them drink it off, and not be bashful, for it would do them no hurt. The two brothers, after having performed the usual office in such delicate conjunctu res, of staring a sufficient, period at lord Peter and each other, and finding how matters were like to go, resolved not to enter on a new dispute, but let him carry the point as he pleased: for he was now got into one of his mad fits, and to argue or expostulate further would only serve to render him a hundred times more untractable. I have chosen to relate this worthy matter in all its circumstances, because it gave a principal occasion to that great and famous rupture *), which happened about the same time among these brethren, and was never afterwards made up. But of that I shall treat at large in another section. However it is certain, that lord Peter even in his lucid intervals was very lewdly given in his common conversation, extreme wilful and positive, and would at any time rather argue to the death, than allow himself once to be in an error. Besides, he had an abominable faculty of telling huge palpable lyes upon all occasions; and not only swearing to the truth, but cursing the whole company to hell, if they pretended to make the least scruple of believing him. One time he swore he had a cow **) at home, which gave as much milk at a meal, as would fill three thousand churches; and what was yet more extraordinary, would never turn sour. Another time he was telling of an old sign-post, that belonged to his father, with nails and timber enough in it to build sixteen large men of war***). Talking one day of Chinese waggons, which were made so light as to sail over mountains: „Z ➡ds,†) said Peter, where's the wonder of that? by G-,,,I saw a large house of lime and stone travel over *) Die Reformation. **) Die Milch der heil. Jungfrau, die man an so vielen Orten hat. ***) Das Holz und die Nägel Christi, die in so ungeheurer Menge gefunden werden. †) Zounds, nach dem classical dictionary of the Vulgar tonge, cinc Abkürzung für God's wounds. |