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by the men. Why now, there's my husband - a good enough sort of a man in the main — but I will give you a sample of him.
He comes into the parlour the other day, where, to be snre, I was cutting up a piece of linen. “Lord!" says he, “what a flutter here is! I can't bear to see the parlour look like a taylor's shop:. besides, I am going to make some important philosophical experiments, and must have sufficient room. You must know, my husband is one of your would-be philosophers. Well, I bundled up my linen as quick as I could, and began to darn a pair of ruffles, which took ng room, and could give no offence. I thought, however, I would watch my lord and master's important business. In about half an hour, the tables were covered with all manner of trumpery; bottles of water, pbials of drugs, pasteboard, paper, and cards, glue, paste, and gumarabic; files, knives, scissars, and needles; rosin, wax, silk, thread, rags, jags, tags, books, pamphlets, and
papers. Lord bless me! am almost out of breath, and yet I have not enumerated half the articles; well, to work he went, and although I did not understand the object of his manoeuvres, yet I could sufficiently discover that he did not succeed in any one operation. I was glad of that, I confess, and with good reason too: for, after he had fatigued himself with mischief, like a monkey in a china shop, and had called the servants to clear every thing away, I took a view of the scene my parlour exhibited. I shall not even attempt a minute description; suffice it to say, that he had overset his ink-stand, and stained my best mahogany table with ink: he had spilt a quantity of vitriol, and burnt a large hole in my carpet: iny marble hear.h was all over spotted with melted rosin; besides this, he had broken three china cups, four wine glasses, two tunibles, and one of my handsomest decanters. And, after all, as I said before, I perceived that he had not succeeded in any one operation. By the bye, tell your friend, the white-wash scribbler, that this is one means by which our closets become furnished with “halves of china bowls, cracked tumblers, broken wine-glasses, tops of tea-pots, and stop. pers of departed decanters. I say, I took a view of the dirt and devastation my philosophic husband had occasion. ed; and there 1 sat, like Patience on a monument, smil. ing at grief: but it worked inwardly. I would almost as soon the melted rosin and vitriol had been in his throat, as on my dear marble hearth, and my beautiful carpet. It is not true that women have no power over their own feelings; for, notwithstanding this provocation, I said nothing, or next to nothing: for I only observed, very pleasantly, what a lady of my acquaintance had told me, ihat the reason why philosophers are called literary men, is because they make a great litter : uot a word more; how
the servant cleared away, and down sat the philosopher. A friend dropt in soon after — «Your servant, sir, how do you do?» O Lord! I am almost fatigued to
death; I have been all the morning making philosophical experiments. I was now more hardly put to it to smother a laugh, than I had been just before to contain my rage: my precious went out soon after, and I, as you may sup. pose, mustered all my forces; brushes, buckets, soap, sand, limeskins, and cocoa-nutshells, with all the powers of housewifery, were immediately employed. I was certainly the best philosopher of the two; for my experiments succeeded, and his did not. All was well again. except my poor carpet-my vitriolized carpet, which still continued a niournful momento of philosophic fury, or rather philosophic folly. The operation was scarce over, when in came my experimental philosopher, and told me, with all the indifference in the world, that he had invited six gentlemen to dine with him at three o'clock. It was then past one. I complained of the short notice. “Poh! poh!.. said he, “you can get a leg of mutton, and a loin of veal, and a few potatoes, which will do well enough. Heaven! what a chaos must the head of a philosopher be! a leg of mutton, a loin of veal, and potatoes! I was at a loss whether I should langh or be angry; but there was no time for determining: I had but an hour and a half to do a world of business in. My carpet, which had suffered in the cause of ex. perimental philosophy in the morning, was destined to be most shamefully dishonoured in the afternoon by a deluge of nasty tobacco juice. Gentlemen smokers love segars better than carpets. Think, sir, what a woman must endure under such circumstances; and then, after all, to be reproached with cleanliness, and to have her whitewashings, her scourings, and scrubbings, made the subject of ridicule: it is more than patience can put up with. What I have now exhibited is but a small specimen of the injuries we sustain from the boasted superiority of men. But we will not be laughed out of our cleanliness A woman would rather be called any thing than a slout, as a man would rather be thought a knave than a fool. I had a great deal more to say, but am called away, we are just preparing to white-wash, and of course i lave a deal of business on my hands. The white-wash buckets are paraded, the brushes are ready, my husband is gone off so much the better; when we are upon a thorough cleaning, the first dirty thing to be removed is one's hus. band. I am called for again. Adieu.
ADVICE TO THOSE WHO ARE ABOUT
TO UNDERTAKE A SEA VOYAGE.
When you intend to take a long voyage, nothing is bet. ter than to keep it a secret till the moment, of your de.
parture. Withont this, you will be continually interrupt. ed and tormented by visits froin friends and acquaintances, who not only make you lose your valuable time, but make you forget a thousand things which you wish to remember; so that when you are embarked, and fairly at sea, you recollect, with much uneasiness, affairs which you have not terminated, accounts that you have not settled, and a number of things which you proposed to carry with you, and which you find the want of every moment. Would it not be attended with the best consequences to reform such a custom, and to suffer a traveller, without deranging him, to make his preparations in quietness, to set apart a few days, when these are finished, to take leave of his friends and to receive their good wishes for bis happy return?
It is not always in one's power to choose a captain; though great part of the pleasure and happiness of the passage depend upon this choice, and though one must for a time be confined to his company, and be in some measure under his command. If he is a social sensible man, obliging, and of a good disposition, you will be so much the happier. One sometimes meets with people of this description, but they are not common; however, if yours be not of this number, if he be a good seaman, attentive, careful, and active in the management of his vessel, you must dispense with the rest, for these are the most essential qualities.
Whatever right you may have, by your agreement with him, to the provisions he has taken on board for the use of the passengers, it is always proper to have some private store, which you may make use of occa, sionally. You ought, therefore, to provide good water, that of the ship being often bad, but you must put it in: to bottles, without which you cannot expect to preserve it sweet. You onght also to carry with you good tea, ground coffee, chocolate, wine of that sort which you like best, cyder, dried raisins, almonds, sugar, capillaire, citrons, rum, eggs dipped in oil, portable soup, bread twice baked. With regard to poultry, it is alniost useless to carry any with you, unless you resolve to undertako the office of feeding and fattening them yourself. With the little care which is taken of them on board a ship, they are almost all sickly, and their flesh is as tough as leather.
All sailors entertain an opinion, which has undoubtedly originated formerly from a want of water, and when it has been found necessary to be sparing of it, that poultry never know when they have drank enough, and that, when water is given them at discretion, they generally kill themselves by drinking beyond measure. In consequence of this opinion, they give them water only once in two days, and even then in small quantities; but as they pour this water into troughs inclining on one side, which occasions it to run to the lower part, it thence happens that they
are obliged to mount one upon the back of another in order to reach it; and there are some which cannot even dip their beaks in it. Thus continually tantalized and tormented by thirst, they are unable to digest their food, which is very dry, and they soon fall sick and die. Some of them are found thus every morning, and are thrown into the sea; while those which are killed for the table are scarcely fit to be eaten. To remedy this inconvenience, it will be necessary to divide their troughs into small compartments, in such a manner, that each of them may be capable of containing water; but this is seldom or never done. On this account, sheep and hogs are to be considered as the best fresh provisions that one can have at sea; mutton there being in general very good, and pork excellent.
It may happen that some of the provisions and stores, which I have recommended, may beconie almost useless, by the care which the captain has taken to lay in a proper stock: but in such a case you may dispose of it to relieve the poor passengers, who, paying less for their passage, are stowed among the common sailors, and have no right to the captain's provisions, except such part of them as is used for feeding the crew. These passengers are sometimes sick, melancholy, and dejected, and there are often women and children among them, neither of whom have any opportunity of procuring those things which 1 have mentioned, and of which, perhaps, they have the greatest need. By distributing amongst them a part of your superfluity, you may be of the greatest assistance to them. You may restore their health, save their lives, and in short render them happy; which always affords the liveliest sensation to a feeling mind.
The most disagreeable thing at sea is the cookery; for there is not, properly speaking, any professed cook on board. The worst sailor is generally chosen for that purpose, who for the most part is equally dirty. Hence comes the proverb used among the English sailors, that God sends meat, and the devil sends cooks. Those, lowever, who have a better opinion of Providence, will think otherwise. Knowing that sea air, and the exercise or motion which they receive from the rolling of the ship, have a wonderful effect in whetting the appetite, they will say, that Providence has given sailors bad cooks to prevent them from eating too much; or that, knowing they would have bad cooks, he has given them a good appetite to prevent them from dying with hunger. However, if you have no confidence in these succours of Providence, you may yourself, with a lamp and a boiler, by the help of a little spirits of wine, prepare some food, such as soup, hash, etc. A small oven made of tin-plate is not a bad piece of furniture; your servant may roast in it a piece of mutton or pork. If you are ever tempted to eat salt beef, which is often very good, you will find that cyder is the best liquor to quench 'the thirst generally
of the practice necessary for that purpose, have insensibly acquired the stroke, taught as it were by nature.
The practice I mean is this. Chusing a place where the water deepens gradually, walk coolly into it till it is up to your breast, then turn round, your face to the shore, and throw an egg into the water between you and the shore. It will sink to the bottom, and be easily seen there, as your water is clear. It must lie in water so deep as that you cannot reach it to take it up but by diving for it. To encourage yourself in order to do this, reflect that your progress will be from deeper to shallower water, and that at any time you may, by bringing your legs under you and standing on the bottom, raise your head far above the water. Then plunge under it with your eyes open, throwing yourself towards the egg, and endeavouring by the action of your hands and feet against the water to get forward till within reach of it. In this attempt you will find, that the water buoys you up against your inclination; that it is not so easy a thing to sink as you imagined ; that you cannot but by active force get down to the egg. Thus you feel the power of the water to support you, and learn to confide in that power; while your endeavours to overcome it, and to reach the egg, teach you the manner of acting on the water with your feet and hands, which action is afterwards used in swimming to support your head higher above water, or to go forward through it.
I would the more earnestly, press you to the trial of this method, because, though I think I satisfied you that your body is lighter than water, and that you might float in it a long time with your mouth free for breathing, if you would put yourself in a proper posture, and would be still and forbear struggling; yet, till you have obtained this experimental confidence in the water, I cannot depend on your having the necessary presence of mind to recollect that posture and the directions I gave you relating to it. The surprize may put all out of
your mind. For though we value ourselves on being reasonable knowing creatures reason and knowledge seem on such occasions to be of little use to us; and the brutes, to whom we allow scarce a glimmering of either, appear to have the advantage of us.
I will, however, take this opportunity of repeating those particulars to you, which I mentioned in our last conversation, as, by perusing them at your leisure, you may possibly imprint them so in your memory as on occasion to be of some use to you.
1. That though the legs, arms, and head of a human body, being solid parts, are specifically something heavier than fresh water, yet the trunk, particularly the upper part, from its hollowness, is so much lighter than water, as that the whole of the body taken together is too light to sink wholly under water, but some part will remain above until the lungs become filled with water, which