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CHAPTER II.

An Account of the Revival of Convictions, their Effects, Progress, Issues, and Interruptions, from the close of 1687 to 1690, or 1691, when I went from Perth to stay at Edinburgh.

IN the month of February, 1687, King James issued his proclamations for indulgence, after which most of those who had fled ventured home; and my mother amongst others, toward August or September that year. It had been for my advantage, probably, for my education, to have staid here, which made me unwilling to return. In our return, we were in imminent danger of shipwreck, on the scars of England; but by the mercy of God we escaped. The danger was sudden, and suddenly over, and so left little or no impression on me. When we came home, we fixed our residence at Perth, and abode there till harvest 1690, or 1691, I cannot be positive which. What was my state as to my soul concerns during this time, so far as I remember, I shall here

narrate.

Presently upon our settlement in this place, I was entered to school, and made some better proficiency than before. But as to religion, I continued as unconcerned as ever, as intent upon sin, as averse to duty as formerly. However, I behaved under my mother's eye, but when I was among my comrades I took my liberty, and went with them into all the

follies and extravagances they went into; with this aggravation above most of them, that what I did I very often knew to be a fault; whereas they, at least many of them, did not. Yea, I not only went along with them, but was foremost, and enticed others to folly. Yet still, through the mercy of God, I kept from openly scandalous evils, save once, that I remember, I was seized in a garden, with some other boys, taking some fruit. Of this I was much

ashamed, and never attempted the like again, not from any real dislike of the sin, but the fears of a discovery. And thus I continued, till towards the close of King James' reign, when fears of a massacre, or some sudden stroke from the Papists, of which there was a great noise every where, revived my concern about religion: "But when he slew them, then they sought him; and they returned and inquired early after God: and they remembered that God was their Rock, and the High God their Redeemer."

This concern being somewhat deeper, and the effects of it more remarkable and lasting, I shall endeavour to give a distinct account of it. About this time, the Lord, by the means I lived under, the preaching of the word, catechising in public and private, enlightened my mind further in the notional knowledge of the law and gospel. My capacity growing with my years, and knowledge of what was sin, and what was duty, and what the fearful consequences of sin were, and the advantage of duty increasing; sin was left open and naked without the excuse of ignorance, and conscience had a farther

advantage, being armed with more knowledge, and better informed; by which its checks, when now by the Lord's providences it was in some measure awakened, were more frequent and sharp, and not so easily to be evaded: "If I had not come and spoken to them, they had not had sin, but now they have no cloak for their sin."

Some touches of sickness riveted on me the impressions of mortality and frailty, and the tendency of each of those numerous train of diseases, by which we are daily exposed to death: in which I was brought into, and kept under continual "bondage through fears of death."

But that which, above all, most deeply affected me, and gave an edge to convictions, was the continual fear we were in, of being suddenly destroyed by the Papists. This kept death in its most terrible shape, ever in mine eyes and thoughts; and, to my great terror, I saw wrath and judgment following it. "The sinners in Zion are afraid, fearfulness has surprised the hypocrites: Who amongst us shall dwell with devouring fire? Who amongst us shall dwell with everlasting burnings?”

On

By this I was cast into grievous disquietude: “ I took counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily." I was in a dreadful strait betwixt two. the one hand my convictions of sin were sharp, fears of a present death and judgment quickened them. This made me attend more to the word; the more I attended to it, they increased the more; and I was daily persuaded, more and more, that there was no way to be rid of them, but by turning religious. On

the other hand, if I should engage in earnest in religion, then I saw the hazard of suffering for it, and wist not but I might be called immediately to die for it; and this I could not think of doing. Betwixt the two, I was dreadfully distressed in my mind; some nights sleep went from mine eyes, and I was full of trouble. I set my imagination to work, and sometimes strongly impressed myself with the fancy of an Irish cut-throat, holding a dagger to my breast, and offering me these terms, "Quit your religión, turn Papist, and you shall live: Hold it, and you are dead." The imagination was sometimes so strong, that I have almost fainted with it, and still I was dreadfully unresolved what to do; sometimes I would let him give the fatal stroke; but on this my spirits shrunk, and my heart failed at the apprehension of death. At other times, I resolved to quit my religion, but with a resolution to take it up again, when the danger was over; but here I could get no rest. What, thought I, if the treacherous enemy destroy me after I have done it, and thus I lose both life and religion? And what if I die before the danger is over, and so time be not allowed me to repent? "Ephraim is as a silly dove, without a heart: they call to Egypt, and they go to Assyria."

This sort of exercise frequently recurred, and I ever continued in this way at times, till after the battle of Killiecrankie, which was fought July 27, 1689. It had some interruptions, and then I was as remiss as before; but for near a year, few weeks, and frequently few days or nights passed over me, without some such exercise: but the fears of the

Papists being quickly over, my remaining difficulty was only with my convictions. Now, as to these, I endeavoured to relieve myself: 1. By promises of abstaining from those sins which were most directly contrary to my knowledge, and of which I was most plainly convinced: "And Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron, and said, Entreat the Lord for me, and I will let the people go." 2. I took sanctuary in resolutions of inquiring into the Lord's mind, and complying with it. But when I consulted any practical book, or the ministry of the word, and found them not to give such directions as agreed with my unrenewed heart, I was grieved, and stuck there : "And, behold, one came to him, and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life? Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven; and come and follow me. But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful; for he had great possessions." 3. I thought to find peace in a more careful attendance upon duties: "Thus being ignorant of God's righteousness, and going about to establish mine own righteousness, I submitted not myself unto the righteousness of God, (nor showed I any regard to Christ,) who is the end of the law for righteousness, to every one that be- · lieveth."

Though my foolish heart ran to those courses, yet really they afforded no solid repose: For, 1. The first sin against light, and the first omission of duty, which very speedily ensued upon the intermission of

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