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unity and peace-making of the world! What der Bruscambille is,—inasmuch as a prologue was to be had, however, he set the greater store upon long noses might easily be done by either, by ; and though my father would oft times sport —’twill be no objection against the simile-to with my uncle Toby's library,-- which, by the say, That when my father got home, he solaced bye, was ridiculous enough,-yet at the very himself with Bruscambille after the manner, in same time he did it, he collected every book and which, 'tis ten to one, your worship solaced treatise which had been systematically wrote up yourself with your first mistress ; —that is, from on noses, with as much care as my honest uncle morning even unto night: which, by the bye, Toby had done those upon military architecture. how delightful soever it may prove to the in-'T'is true, a much less table would have held amorato, -is of little or no entertainment at all them;—but that was not thy transgression, my to by-standers. Take notice, I go no further dear uncle.
with the simile ;-iny father's eye was greater Here,—but why here rather than in any than his appetite,-his zeal greater than his other part of my story? - I am not able to knowledge ;-he cooled, his affections became tell : but here it is- -my heart stops me to divided; -hegot hold of Prignitz,-purchased pay to thee, my dear uncle Toby, once for all, Scroderus, Andrea Paræus, Bouchet's Evening the tribute I owe thy goodness.- Here let me Conferences, and, above all, the great and learned thrust my chair aside, and kneel down upon the Hafen Slawkenbergius; of which, as I shall ground, whilst I am pouring forth the warmest have much to say by and bye,-I will say nosentiments of love for thee, and veneration for thing now. the excellence of thy character, that ever virtue and nature kindled in a nephew's bosom.- Peace and comfort rest for evermore upon thy head !
CHAP. XXXVI. Thou enviedst no man's comforts,-insultedst no man's opinions ;—thou blackenedst no man's Of all the tracts my father was at the pains character,--devouredst no man's bread! Gently, to procure and study in support of his hypothewith faithful Trim behind thee, didst thou sis, there was not any one wherein he felt a ramble round the little circle of thy pleasures, more cruel disappointment at first, than in the jostling no creature in thy way: for each one's celebrated dialogue between Pamphagus and sorrows, thou hadst a tear; -for each man's need, Cocles, written by the chaste pen of the great thou hadst a shilling.
and venerable Erasmus, upon the various uscs Whilst I am worth one, to pay a weeder,— and seasonable applications of long noses. thy path from thy door to thy bowling-green Now don't let Satan, my dear girl, in this chapshall never be grown up. Whilst there is a ter, take advantage of any one spot of rising rood and a half of land in the Shandy family, ground to get astride of your imagination, if thy fortifications, my dear uncle Toby, shalí you can anywise help it ; or, if he is so nimble never be demolished.
as to slip on-let me beg of you, like an unback'd filly, to frisk it, squirt it, to jump it, to
rear it, to bound it-und to kick it, with long CHAP. XXXV.
kicks and short kicks, till, like Tickletoby's mare,
you break a strap or a crupper, and throw his My father's collection was not great, but, to worship into the dirt-You need not kill make amends, it was curious; and consequently him.he was some time in making it: he had the great And pray who was Tickletoby's mare ? fortune, however, to set off well, in getting Brus- 'Tis just as discreditable and unscholar-like a cambille's prologue upon long noses, almost for question, sir, as to have asked what year (ab nothing ;--for he gave no more for Bruscambille urb. con.) the second Punic war broke out.than three half-crowns; owing indeed to the Who was Tickletoby's mare ! Read, read, strong fancy which the stall-man saw my father read, read, my unlearned reader ! read, -or by had for the book the moment he laid his hands the knowledge of the great Saint Paraleipomeupon it. There are not three Bruscambilles in non,- I tell you beforehand, you had better Christendom, said the stall-man, except what throw down the book at once ; for without are chained up in the libraries of the curious. much reading, by which your reverence knows, My father flung down the money as quick as I mean much knowledge, you will no more be lightning,—took Bruscambille into his bosom, able to penetrate the moral of the next marbled -hied home from Picadilly to Coleman-street page (motley emblem of my work,) than the with it, as he would have hied home with a world with all its sagacity has been able to treasure, without taking his hand once off from unravel the many opinions, transactions, and Bruscambille all the way.
truths, which still lie mystically hid under the To those who do not yet know of which gen- dark veil of the black one.*
It has been thought
• In the early editions, there occurred here a marbled leaf, as elsewhere a black one. unnecessary to retain them here.
of my Disgrazias,-thou sad foreteller of so many
of the whips and short turns which in one stage CHAP. XXXVII.
or other of my life have come slap upon me
from the shortness of my nose, and no other “Nihil me pænitet hujus nasi," quoth Pam- cause that I am conscious of—tell me, Slawkenphagus ;-that is,—“My nose has been the bergius ! what secret impulse was it? what inmaking of me.”- .“ Nec est cur pæniteat,” re- tonation of voice? whence came it? how did plies Cocles ; that is, “ How the deuce should it sound in thy ears ?-art thou sure thou such a nose fail ?”
heard'st it?-which first cried out to thee,The doctrine, you see, was laid down by Go, Slawkenbergius ! dedicate the labours or Erasmus, as my father wished it, with the ut- thy life,-neglect thy pastimes,-call forth all most plainness; but my father's disappointment the powers and faculties of thy nature,-mawas in finding nothing more from so able a pen, cerate thyself in the service of mankind, and but the bare fact itself ; without any of that write a grand Folio for them, upon the subject speculative subtilty or ambidexterity of argu- of their noses. mentation upon it which Heaven had bestowed How the communication was conveyed into upon man on purpose to investigate Truth, and Slawkenbergius's sensorium,-so that Slawkenfight for her on all sides.--My father pish'd and bergius should know whose finger touch'd the pugh'd at first most terribly.- 'Tis worth key,—and whose hand it was that blew the belsomething to have a good name. As the dia- lows, -as Hafen Slawkenbergius has been dead logue was of Erasmus, my father soon came to and laid in his grave above fourscore and ten himself, and read it over and over again, with years,-we can only raise conjectures. great application, studying every word and every Slawkenbergius was play'd upon, for aught syllable of it through and through in its most I know, like one of Whitefield's disciples strict and literal interpretation.- He could still that is, with such a distinct intelligence, sir, of make nothing of it, that way. Mayhap there which of the two masters it was that had been is more meant than is said in it, quoth my fa- practising upon his instrument,-as to make all ther. Learned men, brother Toby, don't write reasoning upon it needless. dialogues upon long noses for nothing. I'll For, in the account which Hafen Slaw. study the mystic and the allegoric sense.Here kenbergius gives the world of his motives and is some room to turn a man's self in, brother. occasions for writing and spending so many years My father read on.
of his life upon this one work,—towards the end Now, I find it needful to inform your reve- of his prolegomena ; which, by the bye, should rences and worships, that besides the many have come first,—but the bookbinder has most nautical uses of long noses enumerated by Eras- injudiciously placed it betwixt the analytical mus, the dialogist affirmeth, that a long nose is contents of the book and the book itself;—he not without its domestic conveniences also ; for informs his reader, that ever since he had arri. that, in a case of distress,mand for want of a ved at the age of discernment, and was able to pair of bellows, it will do excellently well ad sit down coolly and consider within himself the excitandum focum, (to stir up the fire.)
true state and condition of man--and distinNature had been prodigal in her gifts to my guish the main end and design of his being ;father beyond measure, and had sown the seeds or,—to shorten my translation, for Slawkenof verbal criticism as deep within him, as she bergius's book is in Latin, and not a little prolix had done the seeds of all other knowledge ;- in this passage ;-ever since I understood, quoth so that he had got out his pen-knife, and was Slawkenbergius, any thing, -or rather what was trying experiments upon the sentence, to see if what,--and could perceive that the point of long he could not scratch some better sense into it.- noses had been too loosely handled by all who I've got within a single letter, brother Toby, had gone before,-have I, Slawkenbergius, felt cried my father, of Erasmus his mystic mean- a strong impulse, with a mighty and unresistiing. You are near enough, brother, replied ble call within me, to gird up myself to this unmy uncle, in all conscience. -Psha ! cried dertaking. my father, scratching on, I might as well be And to do justice to Slawkenbergius, he has seven miles off—I've done it,--said my father, entered the list with a stronger lance, and tasnapping his fingers.See, my dear brother ken a much larger career in it, than any one Toby, how I have mended the sense.
who had ever entered it before him ;you have marred a word, replied my uncle To- and, indeed, in many respects, deserves to be by.--My father put on his spectacles,-bit en-nich'd as a prototype for all writers of voluhis lip, and tore out the leaf in a passion. minous works at least, to model their works
by; for he has taken in, sir, the whole subject,
examined every part of it dialectically then CHAP. XXXVIII.
brought it into full day; dilucidating it with
all the light which either the collison of his own O, SLAWKENBERGIUS! thou faithful analyser natural parts could strike,—or the profoundlest
knowledge of the sciences had empowered him Be witness, to cast upon it,-collating, collecting, and com- I don't acquaint the learned reader ;-in saypiling ;-begging, borrowing, and stealing, as ing it,-I mention it only to shew the learned, he went along, all that had been wrote or wrang- I know the fact myselfled thereupon in the schools and porticoes of That this Ambrose Paræus was chief surgeon the learned ; so that Slawkenbergius his book and nose-mender to Francis the Ninth of France; may properly be considered, not only as a mo- and in high credit with him and the two predel,--but as a thorough stitched Digest, and ceding or succeeding kings (I know not which) regular institute of noses ; comprehending in -and that, except in the slip he made in his it all that is, or can be, needful to be known story of Taliacotius's noses, and his manner of about them.
setting them on, he was esteemed by the whole For this cause it is that I forbear to speak of college of physicians at that time, as more knowso many (otherwise) valuable books and trea- ing in matters of noses, than any one who had tises of my father's collecting, wrote either plump ever taken them in band. upon noses,-or collaterally touching them ;- Now, Ambrose Paræus convinced my father, such, for instance, as Prignitz, now laying upon that the true and efficient cause of what had enthe table before me, who with infinite learning, gaged so much the attention of the world, and and from the most candid and scholar-like exa- upon which Prignitz and Scroderus had wasted mination of above four thousand different skulls so much learning and fine parts,-—was neither in upwards of twenty charnel-houses in Silesia, this nor that ;—but that the length and goodwhich he had rummaged, has informed us, that ness of the nose, was owing simply to the softthe mensuration and configuration of the osse- ness and flaccidity in the nurse's breast, as the ous or bony parts of human noses, in any given flatness and shortness of puisne noses was to the tract of country, except Crim Tartary, where firmness and elastic repulsion of the same orthey are all crush'd down by the thumb, so that gan of nutrition in the hale and lively ;-which, no judgment can be formed upon them,--are though happy for the woman, was the undoing inuch nearer alike than the world imagines ;- of the child, inasmuch as his nose was so snubbed, the difference amongst them being, he says, a so rebuffed, so rebated, and so refrigerated theremere trifle, not worth taking notice of ;-but by, as never to arrive ad mensuram suam legithat the size and jollity of every individual nose, timam ;- but that in case of flaccidity and softand by which one nose ranks above another, and ness of the nurse or mother's breast, -by sinkbears a higher price, is owing to the cartilagi- ing into it, quoth Paræus, as into so much butnous and muscular parts of it, into whose ducts ter, the nose was comforted, nourished, plumpand sinuses the blood and animal spirits being ed up, refreshed, refocilated, and set a-growing impelled, and driven by the warmth and force for ever. of imagination, which is but a step from it (ba- I have but two things to observe of Paræus ; ting the case of idiots, whom Prignitz, who had first, That he proves and explains all this with lived many years in Turkey, supposes under the the utmost chastity and decorum of expression ; more immediate tutelage of Heaven)-it so hapa —for which, may his soul for ever rest in peace; pens, and ever must, says Prignitz, that the ex- And, secondly, that besides the systems of cellency of the nose is in a direct arithmetical gnitz and Scroderus, which Ambrose Paræus proportion to the excellency of the wearer's his hypothesis effectually overthrew, it overfancy.
threw at the same time the system of peace and It is for the same reason; that is, because harmony of our family; and, for three days to'tis all comprehended in Slawkenbergius, that gether, not only embroiled matters between my I say nothing likewise of Scroderus Andrea,) father and my mother, but turned likewise the who, all the world knows, set himself up to whole house, and every thing in it, except my oppugn Prignitz with great violence,-proving uncle Toby, quite upside down. it in his own way, first, logically, and then by Such a ridiculous tale of a dispute between a a series of stubborn facts, “ That so far was man and his wife, never surely, in any age or Prignitz from the truth, in affirming that the country, got vent through the key-bole of a fancy begat the nose, that, on the contrary,- street-door! the nose begat the fancy."
My mother, you must know-but I have -The learned suspected Scroderus of an in- fifty things more necessary to let you know first ; decent sophism in this ;--and Prignitz cried out I have a hundred difficulties which I have aloud in the dispute, that Scroderus had shifted promised to clear up, and a thousand distresses the idea upon him,--but Scroderus went on, and domestic misadventures crowding in upon maintaining his thesis.
me thick and three-fold, one upon the neck of My father was just balancing within himself, another. A cow broke in (to-morrow morning) which of the two sides he should take in this to my uncle Toby's fortifications, and eat up affair ; when Ambrose Paræus decided it in a two rations and a half of dried grass, tearing up moment, and, by overthrowing the systems, the sods with it which faced his horn-work and both of Prignitz and Scroderus, drove my fac covered-way.- -Trim insists upon being tried ther out of both sides of the controversy at once. by a court-martial,—the cow to be shot, -Slop to be crucifix'd,--myself to be tristram’d, and at schoolmen,-scullions, -anatomists, and engimy very baptism made a martyr of ;-poor un- neers, fight for it among themselves.happy Devils that we all are! - I want swad- 'Twas some misfortune, I make no doubt, in dling ;-but there is no time to be lost in ex- this affair, that my father had every word of it clamations,—I have left my father lying across to translate for the benefit of my uncle Toby, his bed, and uncle Toby in his old fringed chair, and render out of Slawkenbergius's latin, of sitting beside him, and promised I would go which, as he was no great master, his translation back to them in half an hour; and five-and- was not always of the purest,--and generally thirty minutes are lapsed already. Of all the least so, where it was most wanted :
-this naperplexities a mortal author was ever seen in,- turally opened a door to a second misfortune, this certainly is the greatest; for I have Hafen that, in the warmer paroxysms of his zeal to open Slaw kenbergius's folio, sir, to finish ;—a dia- my uncle Toby's eyes-my father's ideas run on logue between my father and my uncle Toby, as much faster than the translation, as the transupon the solution of Prignitz, Scroderus, Am- lation out-moved my uncle Toby's;— neither the brose Paræus, Panocrates, and Grangousier to one or the other added much to the perspicuity relate ;-a tale out of Slawkenbergius to trans- of my father's lecture. late ;—and all this in five minutes less than no time at al). Such a head !-would to Heaven my enemies only saw the inside of it!
The gift of ratiocination and inaking sylloCHAP. XXXIX.
gisms,— I mean in man,--for in superior classes
of beings, such as angels and spirits,— 'tis all There was not any one scene more entertain- done, may it please your worships, as they tell ing in our family ;-and to do it justice in this me, by intuition ; -and beings inferior, as point,-1 here put off my cap, and lay it upon your worships all know,-syllogize by their the table, close beside my ink-horn, on purpose nose; though there is an island swimming in to make my declaration to the world concerning the sea, though not altogether at its ease, whose this one article, the more solemn,- That I be- inhabitants, if my intelligence deceives me not, lieve in my soul, (unless my love and partiality are so wonderfully gifted, as to syllogize after to my understanding blinds me,) the hand of the same fashion, and oft-times to make very the Supreme Maker and First Designer of all well out too :- ---but that's neither here nor things, never made or put a family together in therethat period at least of it, which I have sat down The gift of doing it as it should be, amongst to write the story of)—where the characters of us, or, the great and principal act of ratiocinait were cast or contrasted with so dramatic a fe- tion in man, as logicians tell us, is the finding licity as ours was, for this end ; or in which the out the agreement or disagreement of two ideas capacities of affording such exquisite scenes, and one with another, by the intervention of a third the powers of shifting them perpetually from (called the medius terminus ;) just as a man, as morning to night, were lodged and entrusted Locke well observes, by a yard, finds two men's with so unlimited a confidence, as in the Shandy nine-pin-alleys to be of the same length, which Family.
could not be brought together, to measure their Not any one of these was more diverting, I equality, by juxta-position. say, in this whimsical theatre of ours,—than Had the same great reasoner looked on, as my what frequently arose out of this self-same chap- father illustrated his systems of noses, and obter of long noses,—especially when my father's served my uncle Toby's deportment,-what imagination was heated with the inquiry, and great attention he gave to every word ;-and as nothing would serve him, but to heat my uncle oft as he took his pipe from his mouth, with Toby's too.
what wonderful seriousness he contemplated the My uncle Toby would give my father all pos- length of it!-surveying it transversely as he sible fair play in this attempt; and with infinite held it betwixt his finger and his thumb-then patience would sit smoaking his pipe for whole foreright,-then this way, and then that, in all hours together, whilst my father was practising its possible directions and fore-shortenings,-he upon his head, and trying every accessible avenue would have concluded my uncle Toby had got to drive Prignitz and Scroderus's solutions into hold of the medius terminus, and was syllogizing it.
and measuring with it the truth of each hypoWhether they were above my uncle Toby's thesis of long noses, in order as my father laid reason,-or contrary to it,—or that his brain them before him. This, by the bye, was more was like damp tinder, and no spark could possie than my father wanted :-his aim in all the pains bly take hold, -or that it was so full of saps, he was at in these philosophic lectures,—was to mines, blinds, curtains, and such military dis- enable my uncle Toby not to discuss, but comqualifications, to his seeing clearly into Prignitz prehend ;-to hold the grains and scruples of and Scroderus's doctrines, - I say not ; let learning, not to weigh them. My uncle Toby, as you will read in the next chapter, did neither a busy life on't; and it is one of the most unthe one or the other.
accountable problems that ever I met with in my observations of human nature, that nothing
should prove my father's mettle so much, or CHAP. XLI.
make his passions go off so like gun-powder, as
the unexpected strokes his science met with 'Tis a pity, cried my father, one winter's from the quaint simplicity of my uncle Toby's night, after a three hours painful translation of questions.-Had ten dozen of hornets stung Slawkenbergius,-'tis a pity, cried my father, him behind in so many different places all at putting my mother's thread-paper into the book one time,--he could not have exerted more mefor a mark as he spoke,—that Truth, brother chanical functions in fewer seconds,—or startToby, should shut herself up in such in.preg- ed balf so much, as with one single query of nable fastnesses, and be so obstinate as not to three words unseasonably popping in full upon surrender herself up sometimes upon the closest him in his hobby-horsical career. siege.
'Twas all one to my uncle Toby:-he smoakNow it happened then, as indeed it had often ed his pipe on, with unvaried composure ;done before, that my uncle Toby's fancy, during his heart never intended offence to his brother the time of my father's explanation of Prignitz --and as his head could seldom find out where to him,--having nothing to stay it there, had the sting of it lay—he always gave my father taken a short flight to the bowling-green :-his the credit of cooling by himself.—He was five body might as well have taken a turn there too; minutes and thirty-five seconds about it in the
- so that with all the semblance of a deep school- present case. man, intent upon the medius terminus,-myuncle : By all that's good ! said my father, swearing Toby was in fact as ignorant of the whole lec- as he came to himself, and taking the oath out ture, and all its pro's and con's, as if my father of Ernulphus's digest of curses (though, to do had been translating Hafen Slawkenbergius from my father justice, it was a fault, as he told Dr the Latin tongue into the Cherokee. But the Slop in the affair of Ernulphus, which he as word siege, like a talismanic power, in my fa- seldom committed as any man upon earth) ther's metaphor, wafting back my uncle Toby's By all that's good and great! brother Toby, fancy, quick as a note could follow the touch, - said my father, if it was not for the aids of phihe opened his ears ;—and my father observing losophy, which befriend one so much as they that he took his pipe out of his mouth, and shuf- do, -you would put a man beside all temper.fied his chair nearer the table, as with a desire Why, by the solutions of noses, of which I was to profit,-my father with great pleasure began telling you, I meant, as you might have known, his sentence again,-changing only the plan, and had you favoured me with one grain of attendropping the metaphor of the siege in it, to keep tion, the various accounts which learned men clear of some dangers my father apprehended of different kinds of knowledge have given the from it.
world, of the causes of short and long noses.'T'is a pity, said my father, that truth can There is no cause but one, replied my uncle only be on one side, brother Toby, --considering Toby, why one man's nose is longer than anwhat ingenuity these learned men have all shown other's, but because that God pleases to have it in their solutions of noses.-Can noses be dis- so.—That is Grangousier's solution, said my solved ? replied my uncle Toby.
father.—It is He, continued my uncle Toby, -My father thrust back his chair,--rose up, looking up, and not regarding my father's in---put on his hat,—took four long strides to the terruption, who makes us all, and frames and door,-jerked it open, thrust his head half-way puts us together in such forms and proporout, -shut the door again,—took no notice of tions, and for such ends, as is agreeable to his the bad hinge,-returned to the table,-pluck- infinite wisdom.-'Tis a pious account, cried ed my mother's thread-paper out of Slawken- my father, but not philosophical;—there is more bergius's book, went hastily to his bureau, - religion in it than sound science. It was no walked slowly back, twisted my mother's thread- inconsistent part of my uncle Toby's character, paper about his thumb,—unbuttoned his waist- —that he feared God, and reverenced religion. coat,-threw my mother's thread-paper into the So the moment my father finished his refire,-bit her satin pincushion in two,--filled mark,—my uncle Toby fell a whistling Lillahis mouth with bran,-confounded it; but bullero, with more zeal (though more out of mark, the oath of confusion was levelled at my tune) than usualuncle Toby's brain—which was even confused What is become of my wife's thread-paper ? enough already; the curse came charged only with the bran ;—the bran, may it please your Honours, was no more than powder to the
CHAP. XLII. ball.
'Twas well my father's passions lasted not No matter.-As an appendage to seamstressy, long; for so long as they did last, they led him the thread-paper might be of some consequence