Book of DavidFrom award-winning comedian, director, writer, and producer David Steinberg comes the totally original, utterly blasphemous, and hysterically funny memoir of a young man who emerged from a traditional Jewish childhood to become an international star—all because, it seems, he kept God in stitches. David Steinberg was raised in Winnipeg, Canada, by parents who expected little from him. And no wonder. Instead of studying Talmud in order to become a rabbi, he chose to major in Martin and Lewis with a minor in basketball. As David imagines the story of his life (since his success otherwise makes no sense), God one day spotted him on the playground and decided that this young man with no ambition could go far with His help. Sure enough, God soon had David on network TV and Broadway, and selling out nightclubs across the country—as well as being pursued by hot starlets. The Book of David is David Steinberg's hilarious trip down memory lane, assuming that the lane has a biblical address. This wild riff on the Old Testament is guaranteed laughter. |
From inside the book
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Page xii
... Which means that when the legend becomes fact, you gotta go with the National Enquirer's version. So saith the Lord. And if he didn't, he should have. David Steinberg June 2007 testament N I n the beginning—well, maybe it wasn't exactly.
... Which means that when the legend becomes fact, you gotta go with the National Enquirer's version. So saith the Lord. And if he didn't, he should have. David Steinberg June 2007 testament N I n the beginning—well, maybe it wasn't exactly.
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Contents
Section 17 | 113 |
Section 18 | 133 |
Section 19 | 134 |
Section 20 | 145 |
Section 21 | 151 |
Section 22 | 158 |
Section 23 | 159 |
Section 24 | 163 |
Section 9 | 61 |
Section 10 | 66 |
Section 11 | 73 |
Section 12 | 77 |
Section 13 | 79 |
Section 14 | 97 |
Section 15 | 98 |
Section 16 | 105 |
Section 25 | 164 |
Section 26 | 173 |
Section 27 | 174 |
Section 28 | 182 |
Section 29 | 183 |
Section 30 | 189 |
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actors aloud amusement anyway appeared asked audience Avery Schreiber believed Benedetti blessed boys brother called chamber theater comedian comedy commanded congregation course crazy Joey Dave DeBusschere David Steinberg David Steinberg Show DeBusschere declare desire director door enjoyed entertainers eyes friends fuck funny God’s Groucho guys hallelujah hear host of hosts humor insisted irving Jerry Jerry orbach Joey Gallo Johnny carson joke knew land laugh laughter legend Lenny Bruce living Lord God Almighty ment mind mirth moses multitudes mysterious night offer orbach pass Paul Westphal performance Plan play pleasure pretend punishment rod mcKuen room of green Sarandon script Second city sermons Smothers Smothers Brothers someone soon spake spoke stage sure Susan Sarandon television there’s things thou thought Tom Smothers truth turned uttered voice watch Winnipeg woman wonder words would’ve Yascha Yokamura young
Popular passages
Page 108 - Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand; there is none greater in this house than I ; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?
Page 108 - Behold, thou art called a Jew, and restest in the law, and makest thy boast of God, and knowest his will, and approvest the things that are more excellent, being instructed out of the law...
Page 108 - For he is not a Jew, which is one outwardly; neither is that circumcision, which is outward in the flesh: but he is a Jew, which is one inwardly; and circumcision is that of the heart, in the spirit, and not in the letter; whose praise is not of men, but of God.
Page 3 - Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, and let them be lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth.
Page 108 - Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things.
Page 182 - Woe unto you that desire the day of the Lord! to what end is it for you? the day of the Lord is darkness, and not light. As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him ; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him.
Page 109 - Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee." And she said, "What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?
Page 81 - Moses had a wonderful rapport with God, whom I'm sure you'll all remember from last week's sermon.
Page 169 - Neither his silver nor his gold shall be able to deliver him in the day of the Lord's wrath...
Page 49 - Cause if you think nobody wants it, just throw it away and you will see, someone will have it before you can count aleph, bet, gimmel.