DRUNKENNESS.—The most profitable vice that a Chancellor of the Exchequer has to deal with.

M.P. An amateur legislator who has passed no apprenticeship to his business. LAWS.-Amateur regulations made by the aforesaid legislator for the government of the universe.

GOVERNMENT.-The blue-bottles on the

chariot-wheel.

TORY.-A rich Liberal.

LIBERAL.-A poor Tory.

DEMAGOGUE.-A word used to frighten naughty little Tories who refuse to say their Conservative prayers.

COMMUNIST.-A much-abused Frenchman who asked for Local Self-Government.

VESTRYMAN.-A statesman in the wrong place.

STATESMAN.-A vestryman in the wrong place.

ABDICATION.-A polite word always used to conceal the fact that an unpopular monarch has been kicked downstairs.

EMPRESS.-Queen in two syllables.

MUSIC-HALL-A term of reproach applied to the chosen nursery of the British Drama.

BURLESQUOPHOBIA. A new disease which has seized dramatic critics and caused them to rave about high art.

LEGITIMATE

DRAMA.-A drama whose

authors are dead, and whose copyrights have expired.

CHAMBERLAIN.-A functionary in England who regulates court millinery and

dramatic literature.

HOUSE.-An instrument of torture invented by builders.

DRY WINE.-Physic in a convivial bottle.

NUISANCE. Anything which I detest and you probably adore.

PANIC.-An attempt on the part of insolvent debtors to make the Government pay their debts.

worth of wire, with a cheap clerk at one end and a 'street Arab' at the other.

CHANNEL BOAT.-A vessel built to diminish the distance between pitch and toss and manslaughter.

FIGURES.-Instruments given to us to conceal the state of our affairs.

HISTORY.-One side of a question.

HYDROPHOBIA.-A peculiar kind of madness which seizes men and causes them to kill dogs.

GREY HAIR.-A boon given by Nature to quacks.

SUICIDE. The wanton destruction of a

taxpayer.

MURDER.--The same.

RULE BRITANNIA.-A term which has cost England more than eight hundred millions sterling.

WAR.-The madness of one man and the idiocy of millions.

THEATRICAL MANAGER.-A licensed dealer in legs, short skirts, French adaptations, Shakespeare, taste, and the musical glasses.

JUPITER'S APPRENTICESHIP.

M

ANY years ago, in my juvenile days, when I was in my tens of thousands - the 'teens' of the governing classes my respected parent, called by most people the Ground Landlord, came to me, and said:

'Junior, it is high time that you went to work, and prepared yourself for that station in life to which, in due time, it will please the gods to call you.'

Senior,' I replied, I am quite ready. What work, and what workshop?'

Most people who know the Universe, would have expected one of three repliesan American Hotel, a London Opera House,