HOW TO MANAGE A CERTAIN

PARASITE.

HERE was a time, no doubt, in the history of the world when the

umbrella was used merely as an

article of necessity - was carried out only when it was very hot or very wet, and was unfolded only as a protection from the sun or rain. When Jonas Hanway introduced this implement into England some time about the middle of the last century, it is on record that it was long regarded with contempt and suspicion, and was only timidly used by a select few who ventured to brave the ridicule of the general public. This state of things has long been changed. The umbrella has

long ceased to be the distinguishing mark of the fop or the man of fashion. It has outlasted eye-glasses, walking-sticks, and many other fripperies. It has become a constant companion of people of all ages and both sexes. It has become even more than this. So close is its present connection with the human person, that it may fairly be taken out of the category of furniture and called a parasite.

The management of this parasite has now become so important for the comfort of society, that, in order to promote the greatest happiness of the greatest number, I venture to make a few suggestions.

On rising in the morning, the umbrella should be taken from the head or foot of the bed, where, of course it has been placed over night, and should be carefully dusted before its owner takes a bath. It should then be properly aired at the fire in the breakfast-room, supposing the time to be winter, side by side with the muffin-rack and the morning newspaper. In the height of

summer it should be laid in the sun-in a conservatory if possible. In the winter, in place of receiving the perfume of flowers, it may be sprinkled with a few drops of eau de Cologne or Ess bouquet.

At the breakfast-table it may be placed upright by the side of its owner's chair, or (which is preferable) it may be laid across the end of the table, where the white cloth will throw it into beautiful relief.

After breakfast, when its owner goes to business, or for a morning walk, the umbrella will, of course, take its rightful place as an implement of attack or defence. The umbrella exercise, like the broad-sword exercise, would require a whole chapter to itself, but a few hints may be given which may probably be useful.

In walking along a crowded street the umbrella may be used as a drover's goad, held loosely in the hand, at right angles with the body. In this position it is very effective in stirring up people who happen to be in its owner's way. Placed under the arm

the left arm is preferable-with the point slightly raised in the air in an oblique direction, it is very effective in clearing the pathway, especially if its owner turns half round as frequently as possible. In pointing out any objects of interest in the street-any public buildings, or things of that kind, to country cousins, the umbrella is invaluable. It should be held up from the body, like the sword of an officer leading a storming party, and should be waved on high as much as possible. If any sudden shower should come on, the umbrella should be carefully placed in a cab, and sent on in advance to its owner's destination. Its owner will probably walk. It is scarcely necessary to advise the owner to see that the straw in the cab is not damp.

In the office, the restaurant, or the club, the umbrella should never be parted with for an instant. It should be carried into every room and placed upon every seat. No place is too good, and few places are good enough for it. It must not be supposed from this

remark that I am in favour of a too costly decoration for the umbrella. I think if it is jewelled in twelve holes, that is quite sufficient for all ornamental purposes.

In the theatre, the church, and the concertroom, the umbrella should be treated with the same consideration. If by any chance it falls across the narrow gang-ways, and throws people down, so much the worse for the people. If any injury comes to the umbrella in this position, the owner either has or should seek a remedy at law. We have Law Courts, House of Lords. An

Appeal Courts, and a

action has been going on for the last six years about a thumb pinched in a carriagedoor on the Metropolitan Railway, and surely an injured umbrella is of more importance than an injured thumb.