have, I can assure you mine surpass them.-ficient in every requisite that forms the man You know who Beverley proves to be? of breeding, if I delayed a moment to give all Julia. I will now own to you, Lydia, that the information in my power to a lady so Mr. Faulkland bad before informed me of the deeply interested in the affair as you are. whole affair. Had young Absolute been the Lydia. But quick! quick, sir! person you took him for, I should not have Fag. True, ma'am, as you say, one should accepted your confidence on the subject, with- be quick in divulging matters of this nature; out a serious endeavour to counteract your for should we be tedious, perhaps while we caprice. are flourishing on the subject, two or three lives may be lost! Lydia. So, then, I see I have been deceived by every one!- but I don't care-I'll never have him. Julia. Nay, Lydia Lydia. O patience! Do, ma'am, for Heaven's sake! tell us what is the matter? Mrs. Mal. Why! murder's the matter! Lydia. Why, is it not provoking? when I slaughter's the matter! killing's the matter!thought we were coming to the prettiest dis- but he can tell you the perpendiculars 2). tress imaginable, to find myself made a mere Lydia. Then, prithee, sir, be brief. Smithfield bargain of at last.-There, had I Fag. Why then, ma'am, as to murder-l projected one of the most sentimental elope- cannot take upon me to say—and as to slaughter, ments!-so becoming a disguise!-so amiable or manslaughter, that will be as the jury finds it a ladder of ropes!-Conscious moon-four Lydia. But who, sir-who are engaged in horses-Scotch parson-with such surprise to this? Mrs. Malaprop-and such paragraphs in the news-papers!-O, I shall die with disappoint ment! Julia. I don't wonder at it! Fag. Faith, ma'am, one is a young gentleman whom I should be very sorry any thing was to happen to a very pretty behaved gentleman!-We have lived much together, and always on terms. Lydia. But who is this! who! who! who! Lydia. Now-sad reverse!-what have I to expect, but, after a deal of flimsy preparation with a bishop's licence, and my aunt's bless⚫ing, to go simpering up to the altar; or per- of my master. haps be cried three times in a country-church, and have an unmannerly fat clerk ask the consent of every butcher in the parish to join John Absolute and Lydia Languish, spinster! O, that I should live to hear myself called Spinster! Julia. Melancholy, indeed! Lydia. Heavens! What, Captain Absolute ! Mrs. Mal. O, to be sure, you are frightened now! Julia. But who are with him, sir? Fag. As to the rest, ma'am, this gentleman can inform you better than I. Julia. Do speak, friend. [To David, Lydia. How mortifying, to remember the David. Look'ee, my lady-by the mass! dear delicious shifts I used to 'he put to, to there's mischief going on. Folks don't use to gain half a minute's conversation with this fel- meet for amusement with fire-arms, firelocks, low-How often have I stole forth, in the fire-engines, fire-screens, fire-office, and the coldest night in January, and found him in devil knows what other crackers beside!— the garden, stuck like a dripping statue! This, my lady, I say, has an angry favour. There would he kneel to me in the snow, Julia. But who is there beside Captain Aband sneeze and cough so pathetically! he shi-solute, friend? vering with cold and I with apprehension! David. My poor master-under favour for and while the freezing blast numbed our joints, mentioning him first.-You know me, my lady— how warmly would he press me to pity his I am David-and my master of course is, or flame, and glow with mutual ardour! Ah, was, 'Squire Acres.-Then comes 'Squire Julia, that was something like being in love. Faulkland. Julia. If I were in spirits, Lydia, I should Julia. Do, ma'am, let us instantly endea chide you only by laughing heartily at you; vour to prevent mischief. David. Ah! do, Mrs. Aunt, save a few lives but it suits more the situation of my mind, Mrs. Mal. O fie-it would be very ineleat present, earnestly to entreat you not to let gant in us:-we should only participate things. a man, who loves you with sincerity, suffer that unhappiness from your caprice, which I-they are desperately given, believe me.— know too well caprice can inflict. Above all, there is that blood-thirsty Philistine, Sir Lucius O'Trigger. Lydia. O lud! what has brought my aunt here? Mrs. Mal. Sir Lucius O'Trigger!-O mercy! have they drawn poor little dear Sir Lucius into the scrape?-Why, how you stand, girl! you have no more feeling than one of the Enter MRS. MALAPROP, FAG and David. Mrs. Mal. So! so! here's fine work! here's fine suicide, paracide, and simulation going Derbyshire petrefactions! on in the fields! and Sir Anthony not to be found to prevent the antistrophe!1) Julia. For Heaven's sake, madam, what's the meaning of this? Mrs. Mal. That gentlemau can tell youtwas he enveloped 2) the affair to me. Lydia. Do, sir, will you, inform us? de [To Fag. Fag. Ma'am, I should hold myself very 1) Catastrophe. 2) Developed. Lydia. What are we to do, madam? Mrs. Mal. Why fly with the utmost felicity 2), to be sure, to prevent mischief! — here, friend-you can show us the place? Fag. If you please, ma'am, I will conduct you.-David, do you look for Sir Anthony. [Exit David. 1) Particulars. 9) Perhaps the lady meant the word velocity, and that rather elevated." SCENE 3.] THE RIVALS. Mrs. Mal. Come, girls!--this gentleman will exhort) us.Come, sir, you're our envoy 2) -lead the way, and we'll precede 3). Fag. Not a step before the ladies for the world! Mrs. Mal. You're sure you know the spot. Fag. I think I can find it, ma'am; and one good thing is, we shall bear the report of the pistols as we draw near, so we can't well miss them;-never fear, ma'am, never fear. [Exeunt, he Talking. SCENE II.-South Parade. when once you are wounded here--[Putting Abs. Nothing, sir-nothing. Sir Anth. What's this? — here's something Abs. O, trinkets, sir! trinkets-a bauble for Sir Anth. Nay, let me see your taste. [Pulls Abs. Ha! ha! ha!-I thought it would diEnter ABSOLUTE, putting his sword under vert you, sir, though I didn't mean to tell you his great coat. -never till afterwards. Sir Anth. You didn't? — Yes, this is a very Abs. A sword seen in the streets of Bath would raise as great au alarm as a mad dog. diverting trinket, truly. Abs. Sir, I'll explain to you. You know, -How provoking this is in Faulkland!punctual! I shall be obliged to go without sir, Lydia is romantic-dev'lish romantic, and him at last. O, the devil! here's Sir Anthony! very absurd of course :-now, sir, I intend, if she refuses to forgive me-to unsheath this I'll fall him? its point, upon bow shall I escape [Muffles up his face, and Takes a sword-and swearand expire at her feet! Circle to go off. Sir Anth. Fall upon a fiddle-stick's end!why, I suppose it is the very thing that would Enter SIR ANTHONY. Sir Anth. How one may be deceived at a please her-Get along, you fool. Abs. Well, sir, you shall bear of my suclittle distance! only that I see he don't know | -you shall hear.—“O, Lydia!-forgive I. rae, I could have sworn that was Jack!-Hey! cess-Gad's life! it is. — Why, Jack, what are me, or this pointed steel"Sir Anth. "O, booby! stab away, and welyou afraid of? hey!-sure I'm right. Why, [Goes up to him. come"-says she.-Get along!-and damn your [Exit Absolute. Jack-Jack Absolute! trinkets! Abs. Really, sir, you have the advantage of me:-I don't remember ever to have had the honour-my name is Saunderson, at your service. -says Enter DAVID, running. David. Stop him! stop him! Murder! Thief! Sir Anth. Sir, I beg your pardon-I took Fire!-Stop fire! Stop fire!-O! Sir Anthony you-hey?-why, zounds! it is-Stay-[Looks-call! call! bid 'm stop! Murder! Fire! up to his Face] So, so-your humble servant, Mr. Saunderson!-Why, you scoundrel, what tricks are you after now? Sir Anth. Fire! Murder! where? David. Oons! he's out of sight! and I'm out of breath! for my part! O, Sir Anthony, Abs. O! a joke, sir, a joke!-I came here why didn't you stop him? why didn't you on purpose to look for you, sir. Sir Anth. You did! well, I am glad you were so lucky-but what are you muffled up so for?-what's this for?-hey? Abs. 'Tis cool, sir; isn't it?-rather chilly somebow:-but I shall be late-I have a particular engagement. stop him? Sir Anth. Zounds! the fellow's mad! - Stop whom? stop Jack? David. Ay, the captain, sir! - there's murder and slaughter Sir Anth. Murder! David. Ay, please you, Sir Anthony, there's Sir Anth. Stay.-Why, I thought you were all kinds of murder, all sorts of slaughter looking for me?-Pray, Jack, where is't you to be seen in the fields: there's fighting going are going? Abs. Going, sir! Sir Anth. Ay-where are you going? Sir Anth. You unmannerly puppy! Abs. O! zounds! no, sir, not for the world! on, sir-bloody sword-and-gun-fighting! Sir Anth. Who are going to fight, dunce? David. Every body that I know of, Sir Anthony:-every body is going to fight, my poor master, Sir Lucius O'Trigger, your son, the captain Sir Anth. O, the dog!-I see his tricks; do you know the place? David. King's-Mead-Fields. Sir Anth. You know the way? Abs. O, sir, beg her pardon, humour Sir Anth. O, not at all!—not at all!-I'm ) E cort. SCENE III.-King's-Mead-Fields. 1 Sir Luc. Ay-may they-and it is much the genteelest attitude into the bargain. forty yards is a good distance - Odds levels and aims!-I say it is a good distance. Sir Luc. Is it for muskets or small field- Acres. Look'ee! Sir Lucius-I'd just as lieve pieces? upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, you be shot in an awkward posture as a genteel must leave those things to me. — Stay now-one-so, by my valour! I will stand edgeways. I'll show you. [Measures paces along the Sir Luc. [Looking at his watch] Sure they Stage] There now, that is a very pretty dis- don't mean to disappoint us-Hab!-no faith tance-a pretty gentleman's distance. —I think I see them coming, Acres. Hey!-what!-coming!Sir Luc. Ay-Who are those yonder gelhe is off, the cooler I shall take my aim. ting over the stile? Acres. Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir Lucius, the farther Sir Luc. Faith! then I suppose you would Acres. There are two of them indeed! well aim at him best of all if he was out of sight!-let them come-hey, Sir Lucius!—we—we Acres. No, Sir Lucius, but I should think forty or eight-and-thirty yards Sir Luc. Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile. Acres. Odds bullets, no!-by my valour! there is no merit in killing him so near: do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot:-a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me! Sir Luc. Well--the gentleman's friend and I must settle that.—But tell me now, Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or commission I could execute for you? Acres. I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius-but I don't understand- Sir Luc. Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little risk—and if an unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it -I say it will be no time then to be bothering you about family matters. Acres. A quietus! Sir Luc. For instance, now—if that should be the case-would you-choose to be pickled and sent home?-or would it be the same to you to lie here in the Abbey?--I'm told there is very snug lying in the Abbey. Acres. Pickled!-Snug lying in the Abbey! -Odds tremors! Sir Lucius, don't talk so! Sir Luc. I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of this kind before? Acres. No, Sir Lucius, never before. Sir Luc. Ah! that's a pity!—there's nothing like being used to a thing.-Pray now, how would you receive the gentleman's shot? Acres. Odds files!-I've practised thathere, Sir Lucius-there. [Puts himself in an attitude]-aside-front, hey?-Odd! I'll make myself small enough:-I'll stand edgeways. Sir Luc. Now you're quite out-for if you stand so when I take my aim-[Levelling at him. Acres. Zounds! Sir Lucius-are you sure it is not cock'd? Sir Luc. Never fear. Acres, But-but-you don't know-it may go off of its own head! Sir Luc. Pho! be easy-Well, now if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a double chance-for if it misses a vital part of your right side-'twill be very hard if it don't suc ceed on the left! Acres. A vital part! -we-we-won't run Acres. No-I say we won't run, by my valour! Lyou? Sir Luc. What the devil's the matter with Acres. Nothing-nothing-my dear friend my dear Sir Lucius-but I-I-I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did. Sir Luc. O fie!-consider your honour. Acres. Ay-true-my honour-Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now and then about my honour. Sir Luc. Well, here they're coming. [Looking. Acres. Sir Lucius-if I wa'n't with you, I should almost think I was afraid-if my valour should leave me!-Valour will come and go. Sir Luc. Then pray keep it fast, while you have it. Acres. Sir Lucius-I doubt it is goingyes-my valour is certainly going!-it is sneaking off!-I feel it oozing out as it were at the palms of my hands! Sir Luc. Your honour-your honour.—Here they are. Acres. O mercy!—now—that I was safe at Clod-Hail! or could be shot before I was aware! Enter FAULKLAND and ABSOLUTE. Sir Luc. Gentlemen, your most obedient.Hah!—what, Captain Absolute!—So, I suppose, sir, you are come here, just like myself-to do a kind office, first for your friend—then to proceed to business on your own account. Acres. What, Jack!-my dear Jack!-my dear friend! Abs. Heark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at band. Sir Luc. Well, Mr. Acres-I don't blame your saluting the gentleman civilly.-So, Mr. Beverley, [To Faulkland] if you'll choose your weapons, the captain and I will measure the ground. Faulk. My weapons, sir. Acres. Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr. Faulkland; these are my particular friends. Sir Luc. What, sir, did not you come here to fight Mr. Acres? Faulk. Not I, upon my word, sir. Sir Luc. Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope, Mr. Faulkland, as there are Sir Luc. But, there-fix yourself so-[Pla- three of us come on purpose for the gamecing him] let him see the broad-side of your you won't be so cantanckerous as to spoil the full front-there-now a ball or two may pass party by sitting out. clean through your body, and never do any harm at all. Acres. Clean through me!-a ball or two clean through me! Abs. O pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius. Faulk. Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter Acres. No, no, Mr. Faulkland-I'll bear my disappointment like a Christian-Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve Sir Anth. Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a phrensy-how came you in a duel, sir? Abs. Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better than I; 'twas he called on me, and you know, sir, I serve his majesty. let it alone. Sir Luc. Observe me, Mr. Acres-I must Sir Anth. Here's a pretty fellow! I catch not be trifled with. You have certainly chal-him going to cut a man's throat, and he tells lenged somebody-and you came here to fight me, he serves his majesty!-Zounds! sirrah, him-Now, if that gentleman is willing to re-then how durst you draw the king's sword present him-I can't see, for my soul, why it against one of his subjects? isn't just the same thing. Acres. Why no-Sir Lucius I tell you, 'tis one Beverley I've challenged -a fellow, you see, that dare not show his face! If he were here, I'd make him give up his pretensions directly! Abs. Sir, I tell you! that gentleman called me out, without explaining his reasons. Sir Anth. Gad! sir, how came you to call my son out, without explaining your reasons? Sir Luc. Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which my honour could not brook. Abs. Hold, Bob-let me set you right-there Sir Anth. Zounds! Jack, how durst you inis no such man as Beverley in the case. The sult the gentleman in a manner which his person who assumed that name is before you; honour could not brook? and as his pretensions are the same in both Mrs. Mal. Come, come, let's have no hocharacters, he is ready to support them in nour before ladies-Captain Absolute, come whatever way you please. here-How could you intimidate1) us so?Here's Lydia has been terrified to death for Sir Luc. Well, this is lucky-Now you have an opportunity— Acres. What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute-not if he were fifty Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me sɔ unnatural. you. Abs. For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am? Mrs. Mal. Nay, no delusions 2) to the pastLydia is convinced; speak, child. Sir Luc. With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word here-I believe I could inter. pret the young lady's silence-Now markLydia. What is it you mean, sir? Sir Luc. Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a vengeance! Acres. Not in the least! Odds backs and abettors! I'll be your second with all my heart -and if you should get a quietus, you may Sir Luc. Come, come, Delia, we must be command me entirely. I'll get you snug ly-serious now-this is no time for trifling. ing in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and Lydia. 'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids send you over to Blunderbuss-hall, or any me offer this gentleman my hand, and solicit thing of the kind, with the greatest pleasure. the return of his affections. Sir Luc. Pho! pho! you are little better Abs. O my little angel, say you so?-Sir than a coward. Lucius-I perceive there must be some misAcres. Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a cow-take here, with regard to the affront which ard; coward was the word, by my valour! you affirm have given you. I can only say, Sir Luc. Well, sir? that it could not have been intentional. And Acres. Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind as you must be convinced, that I should not the word coward. coward may be said in fear to support a real injury-you shall now joke-But if you had called me a poltroon, see that I am not ashamed to atone for an odds daggers and ballsinadvertency-I ask your pardon.-But for this lady, while honoured with her approbation, I will support my claim against any man whatever. Sir Luc. Well, sir? Acres. I should have thought you a very ill-bred man. Sir Luc. Pho! you are beneath my notice. Sir Anth. Well said, Jack, and I'll stand Abs. Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a bet- by you, my boy. ter second than my friend Acres-He is a Acres. Mind, I give up all my claim-I most determined dog called in the country, make no pretensions to any thing in the world Fighting Bob.-He generally kills a man a-and if I can't get a wife, without fighting week-don't you, Bob? for her, by my valour! I'll live a bachelor. Acres. Ay-at home!Sir Luc. Captain, give me your hand-an Sir Luc. Well then, captain, 'tis we must affront handsomely acknowledged becomes an begin-so come out, my little counsellor-obligation-and as for the lady-if she chooses [draws his sword]-and ask the gentleman, to deny her own hand-writing, herewhether he will resign the lady, without forcing you to proceed against him? [Takes out Letters. Mrs. Mal. O, he will dissolve 3) my mystery! Abs. Come on then, sir-[draws]; since-Sir Lucius, perhaps there's some mistakeyou won't let it be an amicable suit, here's perhaps I can illuminate *)— my reply. Enter SIR ANTHONY, DAVID, and the WOMEN. David. Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony; knock down my master in particular -and bind his hands over to their good behaviour!') 1) A man accused before a justice of offending any persou, except in his own defence, is bound over to his Sir Luc. Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you have no business. - Miss Languish, are you my Delia, or not? good behaviour: i. e. is obliged to find surety for his conducting himself well. 1) Intimidated is the improper word here for frightened; there is something like the meaning in it; it sounds difficult, and that's enough for Mrs, M. 2) Allusions. 3) Discover. 4) Explain. Lydia. Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. have been quarrelling too, I warrant.-Come, [Lydia and Absolute walk aside. Julia, I never interfered before: but let me Mrs. Mal. Sir Lucius O'Trigger-ungrateful have a hand in the matter at last.-All the as you are-I own the soft impeachment')-faults I have ever seen in my friend Faulkpardon my blushes, I am Delia. land seemed to proceed from what he calls Sir Luc. You Delia-pho! pho! be easy. the delicacy and warmth of his affection for Mrs. Mal. VVhy, thou barbarous Vandyke 2) you-There, marry him directly, Julia; you'll -those letters are mine-When you are more find he'll mend surprisingly! sensible of my benignity 5)—perhaps I may be brought to encourage your addresses. [The rest come forward. Sir Luc. Come now, I hope there is no Sir Luc. Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely dissatisfied person, but what is content; for sensible of your condescension; and whether as I have been disappointed myself, it will you or Lucy have put this trick upon me, I be very hard if I have not the satisfaction of am equally beholden to you.-And, to show seeing other people succeed better— you I am not ungrateful, Captain' Absolute, Acres. You are right, Sir Lucius.—So, Jack, since you have taken that lady from me, I'I wish you joy-Mr. Faulkland the same.give you my Delia into the bargain. Ladies, come now, to show you I'm neither Abs. I am much obliged to you, Sir Lu- vexed nor angry, odds tabors and pipes! ru cius; but here's my friend, fighting Bob, un-order the fiddles in half an hour to the New provided for. Rooms-and I insist on your all meeting me Sir Luc. Hah! little Valour-here, will you there. make your fortune? Sir Anth. 'Gad! sir, I like your spirit; and Acres. Odds wrinkles! No-But give me at night we single lads will drink a health to your hand, Sir Lucius, forget and forgive; but the young couples, and a husband to Mrs. if ever I give you a chance of pickling me Malaprop. again, say Bob Acres is a dunce, that's all. Faulk. Our partners are stolen from us, Sir Anth. Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be Jack-I hope to be congratulated by each cast down-you are in your bloom yet. other-yours for having checked in time the Mrs. Mal. O Sir Anthony!- men are all errors of an illdirected imagination, which might have betrayed an innocent heart; and barbarians. [All retire but Julia and Faulkland. mine, for having, by her gentleness and canJulia. He seems dejected and unhappy-dour, reformed the unhappy temper of one, not sullen-there was some foundation, how- who by it made wretched whom he loved ever, for the tale he told me-O woman! how most, and tortured the heart he ought to have true should be your judgment, when your adored, resolution is so weak! Abs. Well, Jack, we have both tasted the Faulk. Julia!-how can I sue for what I bitters, as well as the sweets, of love—with so little deserve? I dare not presume-yet this difference only, that you always prepared Hope is the child of Penitence. the bitter cup for yourself, while 1– Julia. Oh! Faulkland, you have not been Lydia. Was always obliged to me for it, more faulty in your unkind treatment of me, hey! Mr. Modesty?-But come, no more of than I am now in wanting inclination to re- that-our happiness is now as unallayed as sent it. As my heart honestly bids me place general. my weakness to the account of love, I should Julia. Then let us study to preserve it so: be ungenerous not to admit the same plea for yours. Faulk. Now I shall be blest indeed! and while Hope pictures to us a flattering scene of future bliss, let us deny its pencil those colours which are too bright to be lasting.-When hearts deserving happiness would unite their fortunes, Virtue would crown them with an unfading garland of modest hurtless flowers; but ill-judging Passion will force the 3) A cramp word with something like goodness in its gaudier rose into the wreath, whose thoru offends them, when its leaves are dropt! 2) Vandal (poor Vandyke). meaning. THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL. Com, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan. First acted at Drury Lane, May 8, 1777. Any attempt to be particular in the praise of this comedy, would be at once difficult and unnecessary. No piece ever equalled it in success on the stage, and very few are superior to it in point of intrinsic merit. It is evident, that Mr. Sheridan, when he composed this comedy, had a reference to Wycherley's Plain Dealer, in the formation of his plot; and to Congreve, in the poignancy of his dialogue.-Yet there are those who have asserted, that the plan was taken from a manuscript which had been previously delivered at Drury Lane Theatre, by a young lady, the daughter of a merchant in Thames Street, who distwards died at Bristol, of a pectoral decay. This, however, is probably mere scandal, founded on envy of the greal success of the piece. |