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Q. Are there any other methods of recovering the human shape?
A. None, but a promise to treat the herd we have left with exemplary severity.
Q. Who disenchants you?
A. The governor of the sub-meeting must always consent, but the ceremonies of transformation vary.
Q. Give me an instance of a ceremony.
A. The hog that is going to be disenchanted, grovels before the Chief Driver, who holds an iron skewer over him, and gives him a smart blow on the shoulder, to remind him. at once of his former subjection and future submission. Immediately he starts up, like the devil from Ithuriel's spear, in his proper shape, and ever after goes about with a nickname. He then beats his hogs without mercy, and, when they implore his compassion, and beg him to recollect that he was once their fellow-swine, he denies that he ever was a hog.
Q. What are the rights of a hog?
A. To be whipt and bled by men.
Q. What are the duties of a man?
A. To whip and bleed hogs.
Q. Do they ever whip and bleed you to death?
A. Not always; the common method is to bleed us by intervals.
Q. How many ounces do they take at a time?
A. That depends upon the state of the patient. As soon as he faints, they bind up the wound; but they open his veins afresh when he has a little recovered his loss; hence comes the proverb to bleed like a pig.
Q. What is the liberty of a hog?
A. To choose between half starving and whole starving. Q. What is the property of a hog?
A. A wooden trough; food and drink just enough to keep in life; and a truss of musty straw, on which ten or a dozen of us pig together.
Q. What dish is most delicious to a driver's palate?
Q. What music is sweetest to a driver's ear?
A. Our shrieks in bleeding.
Q. What is a driver's favourite diversion?
A. To set his dogs upon us.
Q. What is the general wish of the hogs at present?
A. To save their bacon.
Chorus of Hogs. Amen.
A satire on the mode of examination at Oxford, has been commonly attributed to Porson, and is so much in his manner, that there can hardly be a doubt of its being his.
Professor.-What is a salt-box?
Student. It is a box made to contain salt.
Professor.-How is it divided?
Student. Into a salt-box and a box of salt.
Professor. Very well; show the distinction.
Student.-A salt-box may be where there is no salt; but salt is absolutely necessary to the existence of a box of salt. Professor.-Are not salt-boxes otherwise divided? Student.-Yes, by a partition.
Professor. What is the use of this division?
Student. To separate the coarse from the fine. Professor. How! Think a little. Student. To separate the fine from the coarse. Professor. To be sure: to separate the fine from the But are not salt-boxes otherwise distinguished? Student. Yes, into possible, probable, and positive. Professor.-Define these several kinds of salt-boxes. Student.-A possible salt-box is a salt-box yet unsold, in the joiner's hands.
Student.-Because it hath not yet become a salt-box, having never had any salt in it, and it may probably be applied to some other use.
Professor.-Very true; for a salt-box which never had, hath not now, and perhaps may never have, any salt in it, can only be termed a possible salt-box. What is a probable salt-box?
Student. It is a salt-box in the hands of one going to buy salt, and who has sixpence in his pocket to pay the shopkeeper; and a positive salt-box is one which hath actually and bona fide got salt in it.
Professor.-Very good; and what other divisions of the salt-box do you recollect?
Student. They are divided into substantive and pendent. A substantive salt-box is that which stands by itself on a table or dresser; and the pendent is that which hangs against the wall.
Professor.-What is the idea of a salt-box?
Student. It is that image which the mind conceives of a salt-box, when no salt-box is present.
Professor. What is the abstract idea of a salt-box?
Student. It is the idea of a salt-box abstracted from the idea of a box, or of salt, or of a salt-box, or of a box of salt.
Professor. Very right: by this you may acquire a proper knowledge of a salt-box: but tell me, is the idea of a saltbox a salt idea?
Student.-Not unless the idea hath the idea of salt contained in it.
Professor.-True: and therefore an abstract idea cannot be either salt or fresh, round or square, long or short: and this shows the difference of a salt idea, and an idea of salt. Is an aptitude to hold salt an essential or an accidental property of a salt-box?
Student. It is essential: but if there should be a crack in the bottom of the box, the aptitude to spill salt would be termed an accidental property of that box.
Professor.-Very well, very well indeed. salt called with respect to the box?
Student.-It is called its contents.
What is the
Student. Because the cook is content, quoad hoc, to find plenty of salt in the box.
Professor.-You are very right. Now let us proceed to
Professor.-How many modes are there in a salt-box?
Student.-Four: the formal, the substantive, the accidental, and the topsy-turvy.
Professor.-Define these several modes.
Student. The formal respects the figure or shape of the box, such as a circle, a square, an oblong, &c.; the substantive respects the work of the joiner; and the accidental respects the string by which the box is hung against the wall.
Professor. Very well: what are the consequences of the accidental mode?
Student.-If the string should break, the box would fall, and the salt be spilt, the salt-box broken, and the cook in a passion; and this is the accidental mode and its consequences.
Professor.-How do you distinguish between the bottom and the top of a salt-box?
Professor. You should rather say the is the top, and the lowest part the bottom. if the bottom should be uppermost?
Student. The top of a salt-box is that part which is uppermost, and the bottom is that which is the lowest in all positions.
How is it, then,
Student. The top would then be lowermost, so that the bottom would become the top, and the top the bottom; and this is called the topsy-turvy mode, and is nearly allied to the accidental, and frequently arises from it.
Professor. Very good: but are not salt-boxes sometimes single, and sometimes double?
Professor.-Well, then, mention the several combinations of salt-boxes, with respect to the having salt or not.
Second Professor.-Hold! hold! you are going too far. Governors of the Institution.-We can't allow further time for logic; proceed, if you please, to—
Professor. What is a salt-box?
Student. It is a combination of matter, fitted, framed, and joined, by the hands of a workman, in the form of a box, and adapted for the purpose of receiving and containing salt.
Professor. Very good. What are the mechanical powers engaged in the construction of a salt-box?
Student. The axe, the saw, the plane, and the hammer. Professor. How are these powers applied to the purpose
Student. The axe to fell the trees, the saw to split the timber, the
Professor.-Consider! It is the property of the mallet and wedge to split.
Student. The saw to slit the timber, and the plane to smooth and thin the boards.
Professor.-How! Take time, take time.
Student. To thin and smooth the boards.
Professor.-To be sure: the boards are first thinned and then smoothed. Go on.
Student. The plane to thin and smooth, and the hammer to drive the nails.
Professor. Or rather tacks. Have not some philosophers considered glue as one of the mechanical powers?
Student.-Yes; and it is still so considered: but it is called an inverse mechanical power; because, whereas it is the property of direct mechanical powers to generate motion, glue, on the contrary, prevents motion, by keeping the parts to which it is applied fixed to each other.